Welcome to Lost in the Sauce, keeping you caught up on political and legal news that often gets buried in distractions and theater… or a global health crisis.
Figuring out how to divide the COVID-19 content from the “regular” news has been difficult because the pandemic is influencing all aspects of life. Some of the stories below involve the virus, but I chose to include them when it fits into one of the pre-established categories (like congress or immigration). The coronavirus-central post will be made again this Thursday-Friday; the sign up form now has an option to choose to receive an email when the coronavirus-focused roundup is posted.
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Let’s dig in!

MAIN COURSE

Congress passes stimulus

Last week started out with a Republican-crafted stimulus bill that was twice-blocked by Senate Democrats, who objected to the lax conditions of aid to corporations, too little funding for hospitals, and a $500 billion “slush fund” for big companies to be doled out by Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin with no oversight.
Conservative-Democrat Joe Manchin (WV) even criticized the GOP bill:

“It fails our first responders, nurses, private physicians and all healthcare professionals. ... It fails our workers. It fails our small businesses… Instead, it is focused on providing billions of dollars to Wall Street and misses the mark on helping the West Virginians that have lost their jobs through no fault of their own.”

Through negotiations, Democrats shifted the bill in a more-worker friendly direction. The version that passed includes the following Democrat-added provisions: expanded unemployment benefits, $100 billion for hospitals, $150 billion for state and local governments, direct payments to Americans without a phase-in (ensuring low-income workers get the full amount), a ban on Trump and his children from receiving aid, and oversight on the “slush fund” (see next section for more info). Senate Democrats also managed to remove a provision that would have excluded nonprofits that receive Medicaid funding from the small-business grants.

Further reading: After Senate Democrats blocked the Republican-crafted bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi led the House Democrats in releasing their own version, a best-case scenario of their dream coronavirus stimulus bill. It is interesting to contrast what the Democrats prioritized to what the Republicans focused on: “How the House Democrats' stimulus plan compares to the Senate's”

Echoing sentiments expressed during debate on the previous coronavirus bill (the second, for those keeping track), Republican senators derided the $600 a week increase in unemployment payments as “incentivizing” workers to quit their jobs. Sens. Ben Sasse (Neb.), Rick Scott (Fla.), Tim Scott (S.C.) and Lindsey Graham (S.C.) delayed passage of the bill in order to force a vote on an amendment removing the extra unemployment funding. "This bill pays you more not to work than if you were working," Graham said. Fortunately for American workers, the amendment failed and the improved bill passed the Senate and the House.

Note: In 2009 only three Republicans helped Obama pass his stimulus bill in his first month in office.

The giveaways in the bill

While Senate Democrats were able to add worker-friendly provisions, the bill still required bipartisan support to pass the chamber and some corporate giveaways remained in the final version.

NYT: “Senate Republicans inserted an easy-to-overlook provision on page 203 of the 880-page bill that would permit wealthy investors to use losses generated by real estate to minimize their taxes on profits from things like investments in the stock market. The estimated cost of the change over 10 years is $170 billion.”
NYT: “...if a company owns multiple hotels, even if the overall hotel or restaurant chain has more than 500 employees — the limit to qualify for treatment as a small business — it will still be able to take advantage of the small-business benefits offered in the rescue package. ...The provision could benefit the Trump Organization, which operates a relatively small chain, with six hotels in the United States in cities including New York, Washington and Chicago.”

Politico:

“A provision for the FDA to approve ‘innovative’ sunscreens—which would benefit L’Oreal, which has operations in Kentucky—appeared in the bill, which was steered in the Senate by Majority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky.”
“The $25 billion allocated in loans and loan guarantees for the airlines will also benefit eligible businesses "approved to perform inspection, repair, replace, or overhaul services, and ticket agents.” The last two words — ‘ticket agents’ — mean that travel agents who book flights will also be able to apply for a piece of the $25 billion.”
“The credit reporting industry got a win by defeating a total ban on negative credit reports during the crisis. Instead, a watered down version made it into the final bill: Consumers wouldn't get a negative credit report if they have an agreement with a lender to delay payments or make partial payments.”

Trump’s signing statement

While signing the latest coronavirus relief bill, the president also issued a signing statement undercutting the congressional oversight provision creating an inspector general to track how the administration distributes the $500 billion “slush fund” money.
The newly-created inspector general is legally required to audit loans and investments made through the fund and report to Congress his/her findings, including any refusal by the executive office to cooperate. In his signing statement, Trump wrote that his understanding of constitutional powers allows him to gag the special IG:

"I do not understand, and my Administration will not treat, this provision as permitting the [inspector general] to issue reports to the Congress without the presidential supervision required" by Article II of the Constitution.

The signing statement further suggests that Trump does not have to comply with a provision requiring that agencies consult with Congress before it spends or reallocates certain funds: "These provisions are impermissible forms of congressional aggrandizement with respect to the execution of the laws," the statement reads.
While some have said that Congress fell short in this instance, one Democratic Senate aide told Politico that Congress built in multiple layers of oversight, including “a review of other inspectors general and a congressional review committee charged with overseeing Treasury and the Federal Reserve's efforts to implement the law.”
Legal experts have pointed out that a signing statement is “without legal effect.” But that ignores the fact that oversight is not equal to enforcement. The problem, in my opinion, isn’t that Congress won’t be notified of any abuses of power by Trump. The problem is that congressional Republicans and the judiciary have largely failed to hold him accountable and enforce our laws even after learning of his abuses.

Concerns about the IG

Another potential weakness in the oversight structure is the inspector general position itself. The special inspector general for pandemic recovery, known by the acronym S.I.G.P.R., is nominated by the president and confirmed by the Republican-controlled Senate. As we’ve seen from Trump’s previous nominees, particularly judicial, many unqualified individuals have been confirmed. The Democrats will not have the power to stop the president and Mitch McConnell from jamming through a loyalist to fill the SIGPR role.

Former inspector general at the Justice Department Michael Bromwich: “The signing statement threatens to undermine the authority and independence of this new IG. The Senate should extract a commitment from the nominee that Congress will be promptly notified of any Presidential/Administration interference or obstruction.”

You may recall that Trump has already proven that he’s willing to interfere with the legally-mandated work of an inspector general. When the Ukraine whistleblower filed a complaint last year, the IG of the Intelligence Community, Michael Atkinson, investigated and determined the complaint to be “urgent” and “credible.” Atkinson wrote a report and gave it to Director of National Intelligence Joseph Maguire to hand over to Congress. However, the White House and DOJ interfered and instructed Maguire not to transmit the report to the Senate and House Intelligence Committees. Chairman Adam Schiff had to subpoena Maguire to turn over the report and testify before his committee.
Further, there are already five IG vacancies in agencies that have a critical role in responding to the pandemic. The Treasury itself has not had a permanent, Senate-confirmed IG for over eight months now, and Trump hasn’t nominated a replacement. The Treasury Dept. has taken a lead role in the coronavirus response, with Secretary Mnuchin handling most of the negotiating with Congress on Trump’s behalf. The fact that the lead agency doesn’t have IG oversight should be troublesome in itself; replicating the situation with a special IG doesn’t seem to be a promising solution.

The other four coronavirus-related agencies without a permanent IG: Department of Health and Human Services’ IG has been vacant for nine months, Department of Defense’s IG has been vacant for four years, Department of Education’s IG has been vacant for one year, and Office of Personnel Management’s IG has been vacant for four years. Overall, there are twelve IG vacancies in the 37) presidentially-appointed offices.

UPDATE: The nation's inspectors general have appointed Glenn Fine, the Pentagon's acting IG, to lead the committee of IGs overseeing the coronavirus relief effort.

This is one of several oversight mechanisms built into the new law. They include:
A committee of IGs (now led by Fine), a new special IG (to be nominated by Trump), a congressional review panel (to be appointed by House/Senate leaders)

Direct payments

Included in the stimulus bill is a $1200 one-time direct payment for all Americans who made less than $75,000 in 2019 (less than $150,000 if couples filed jointly). More details can be found here. I have read that the Treasury will use 2018 information for those who have not filed yet this year, but I am not 100% sure that’ll happen.
Mnuchin has said that Americans can expect to receive the money within three weeks, but many experts expect that timetable to be pushed into late April. Additionally, that only applies to Americans who included direct deposit information on their 2019 tax returns. Those who did not include their bank’s information will have to be sent a physical check in the mail… which could take anywhere from two to four months.
Other options are being discussed, including partnering the Treasury Dept. with MasterCard and Visa to deliver prepaid debit cards. Venmo and Paypal are reportedly lobbying the government to be considered as a disbursement option.
Future payments?
House Speaker Pelosi is already planning another wave of direct payments to Americans, saying that the $1,200 is not enough to mitigate the economic effects of the pandemic: “I don’t think we’ve seen the end of direct payments.” Republicans, meanwhile, are taking a ‘wait and see’ approach, using the next couple of weeks to measure the impact of the $2 trillion bill passed last week.

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy: “What concerns me is when I listen to Nancy Pelosi talk about a fourth package now, it’s because she did not get out of things that she really wanted...I’m not sure you need a fourth package...Let’s let this work ... We have now given the resources to make and solve this problem. We don’t need to be crafting another bill right now.”
For the fourth legislative package, Democrats have said they would like to see increased food stamp benefits; increased coverage for coronavirus testing, visits to the doctor and treatment; more money for state and local governments, including Washington, D.C.; expanded family and medical leave; pension fixes; and stronger workplace protections.

Trump’s signature
Normally, a civil servant signs federal checks, like the direct payments Americans are set to receive. According to a Wall Street Journal report, Trump has told people that he wants his signature to appear on the stimulus checks.

THE SIDES

War on the poor continues

Amid the coronavirus crisis, Trump has defended his continued support of a Republican-led lawsuit to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, which would result in 20 million Americans losing health insurance if successful. The Supreme Court agreed to hear arguments in the case this fall. Contrasting with his position that the ACA is illegal, Trump is considering reopening enrollment on HealthCare.gov, allowing millions of uninsured individuals to get coverage before potentially incurring charges and fees related to COVID-19.
Joe Biden called on Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who is leading the charge against the ACA, and President Trump to drop the lawsuit:

“At a time of national emergency, which is laying bare the existing vulnerabilities in our public health infrastructure, it is unconscionable that you are continuing to pursue a lawsuit designed to strip millions of Americans of their health insurance and protections under the Affordable Care Act (ACA), including the ban on insurers denying coverage or raising premiums due to pre-existing conditions.”

The Trump administration is also pushing forward with its plan to kick 700,000 people off federal food stamp assistance, known as SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program). The USDA announced two weeks ago that the department will appeal Judge Beryl Howell’s recent decision that the USDA’s work mandate rule is “arbitrary and capricious."
Additionally: The Social Security Administration has no plans to slow down a rule change set for June that will limit disability benefits, the Department of Health and Human Services still intends to reduce automatic enrollment in health coverage, and the Department of Housing and Urban Development will continue the process to enact a rule that would make it harder for renters to sue landlords for racial discrimination.

Lawmakers’ stock transactions

The Justice Department and Securities and Exchange Commission are beginning to investigate stock transactions made ahead of the economic crisis caused by the coronavirus pandemic. CNN reports that the inquiry has already reached out to Senator Richard Burr for information. “Under insider trading laws, prosecutors would need to prove the lawmakers traded based on material non-public information they received in violation of a duty to keep it confidential,” a task that won’t be easy.
Sen. Burr is facing another consequence of his trades: Alan Jacobson, a shareholder in Wyndham Hotels and Resorts, sued Burr for allegedly using private information to instruct a mass liquidation of his assets. Among the shares he sold were an up to $150,000 stake in Wyndham, whose stock suffered a market-value cut of more than two-thirds since mid-February.

Environmental rollbacks

Using the pandemic as cover, the Trump administration has begun to more aggressively roll back regulations meant to protect the environment. These are examples of what Naomi Klein dubbed “the shock doctrine”: the phenomenon wherein polluters and their government allies push through unpopular policy changes under the smokescreen of a public emergency.
On Thursday, the EPA announced (non-paywalled) an expansive relaxation of environmental laws and fines, exempting companies from consequences for pollution. Under the new rules, there are basically no rules. Companies are asked to “act responsibly” but are not required to report when their facilities discharge pollution into the air or water. Just five days before abandoning any pollution oversight, the oil industry’s largest trade group implored the administration for assistance, stating that social distancing measures caused a steep drop in demand for gasoline.

Monday morning update: In an interview with Fox News this morning, Trump said he was going to call Putin after the interview to discuss the Saudi-Russia oil fight. A consequence of this "battle" has been plummeting prices in the U.S. making it difficult for domestic companies (like shale extraction) to turn a profit. It's striking that the day after Dr. Fauci told Americans we can expect 100,000 to 200,000 deaths from COVID-19 (if we keep social distancing measures in place), Trump's first action is to talk to Fox News and his second action is to intervene in an international tiff on behalf of the oil and gas industry.

Gina McCarthy, who led the E.P.A. under the Obama administration, called the rollback “an open license to pollute.” Cynthia Giles, who headed the EPA enforcement division during the Obama administration, said “it is so far beyond any reasonable response I am just stunned.”
The EPA is also moving forward with a widely-opposed rule to limit the types of scientific studies used when crafting new regulations or revising current ones. Hidden behind claims of increased transparency, the rule would require disclosure of all raw data used in scientific studies. This would disqualify many fields of research that rely on personal health information from individuals that must be kept confidential. For example, studies that show air pollution causes premature deaths or a certain pesticide is linked to birth defects would be rejected under the proposed rule change.
Officials and scientists are calling upon the EPA to extend the time for comment on the regulatory changes, arguing that the public is unable to express their opinion while dealing with the pandemic.

“These rollbacks need and deserve the input of our public health community, but right now, they are rightfully focused on responding to the coronavirus,” said Representative Frank Pallone of New Jersey, the chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee.

Other controversial decisions being made:

A former EPA official who worked on controversial policies returned as Administrator Andrew Wheeler’s chief of staff. Mandy Gunasekara helped write regulations to ease pollution controls for coal-fired power plants and vehicle emissions in her previous role as chief of the EPA’s Office of Air and Radiation. In a recent interview, Gunasekara, who played a role in the decision to exit the Paris Climate Accord, pushed back on the more dire predictions of climate change, saying, “I don't think it is catastrophic.”
NYT: The plastic bag industry, battered by a wave of bans nationwide, is using the coronavirus crisis to try to block laws prohibiting single-use plastic. “We simply don’t want millions of Americans bringing germ-filled reusable bags into retail establishments putting the public and workers at risk,” an industry campaign that goes by the name Bag the Ban warned on Tuesday. (Also see The Guardian)
Kentucky, South Dakota, and West Virginia passed laws putting new criminal penalties on protests against fossil fuel infrastructure in just the past two weeks.
The Hill: The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) said Friday that it will extend the amount of time that winter gasoline can be sold this year as producers have been facing lower demand due to the coronavirus. It will allow companies to sell the winter-grade gasoline through May 20, whereas companies would have previously been required to stop selling it by May 1 to protect air quality. “In responding to an international health crisis, the last thing the EPA should do is take steps that will worsen air quality and undermine the public’s health,” biofuels expert David DeGennaro said.
NYT: At the Interior Department, employees at the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service have been under strict orders to complete the rule eliminating some protections for migratory birds within 30 days, according to two people with direct knowledge of the orders. The 45-day comment period on that rule ended on March 19.
WaPo: The Interior Department has received over 230 nominations for oil and gas leases covering more than 150,000 acres across southern Utah, a push that would bring drilling as close as a half-mile from some of the nation’s most famous protected sites, including Arches and Canyonlands National Parks… if all the fossil fuels buried in those sites was extracted and burned, it would translate into between 1 billion and 5.95 billion metric tons of carbon dioxide being released into the air. That upward measure is equal to half the annual carbon output of China

Court updates

Press freedom case
Southern District of New York District Judge Lorna Schofield ruled that a literary advocacy group’s lawsuit against Trump for allegedly violating the First Amendment can move forward. The group, PEN America, is pursuing claims that Trump “has used government power to retaliate against media coverage and reporters he dislikes.”
Schofield determined that PEN’s allegation that Trump made threats to chill free speech was valid, providing as an example the White House’s revocation of CNN correspondent Jim Acosta’s press press corps credentials:

”The threats are lent credence by the fact that Defendant has acted on them before, by revoking Mr. Acosta’s credentials and barring reporters from particular press conferences. The Press Secretary indeed e-mailed the entire press corps to inform them of new rules of conduct and to warn of further consequences, citing the incident involving Mr. Acosta… These facts plausibly allege that a motivation for defendant’s actions is controlling and punishing speech he dislikes.”

Twitter case
The president suffered another First Amendment defeat last week when the full 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals declined to review a previous ruling that prevents Trump from blocking users on the Twitter account he uses to communicate with the public. Judge Barrington D. Parker, a Nixon-appointee, wrote: “Excluding people from an otherwise public forum such as this by blocking those who express views critical of a public official is, we concluded, unconstitutional.”
Trump-appointees Michael Parker and Richard Sullivan authored a dissent, arguing the free speech “does not include a right to post on other people’s personal social media accounts, even if those other people happen to be public officials.” Park warned that the ruling will allow the social media pages of public officials to be “overrun with harassment, trolling, and hate speech, which officials will be powerless to filter.”
Florida’s felon voting
U.S. District Judge Robert Hinkle ripped into Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’s administration for failing to come up with a process to determine which felons are genuinely unable to pay court-ordered fees and fines, which are otherwise required to be paid before having their voting rights restored.
“If the state is not going to fix it, I will,” Hinkle warned. He had given the state five months to come up with an administrative process for felons to prove they’re unable to pay financial obligations, but Florida officials did not do so. The case is set to be heard on April 28 (notwithstanding any coronavirus-related delays).

ICE, Jails, and COVID-19

ICE
One of the most overlooked populations with an increased risk of death from coronavirus are those in detention facilities, which keep people in close quarters with little sanitation or protective measures (including for staff).
Last week, U.S. District Judge Dolly Gee ordered the federal government to “make continuous efforts” to release migrant children from detention centers across the country. Numerous advocacy groups asked for the release after reports that four children being held in New York had tested positive for the virus:

“The threat of irreparable injury to their health and safety is palpable,” the plaintiffs’ lawyers said in their petition… both of the agencies operating migrant children detention facilities must by April 6 provide an accounting of their efforts to release those in custody… “Her order will undoubtedly speed up releases,” said Peter Schey, co-counsel for the plaintiffs in the court case.

On Tuesday, 13 immigrants held at ICE facilities in California filed a lawsuit demanding to be released because their health conditions make them particularly vulnerable to dying if infected by the coronavirus. An ACLU statement says the detainees are “confined in crowded and unsanitary conditions where social distancing is not possible.” The 13 individuals are all over the age of 50 and/or suffering from serious underlying medical issues like high blood pressure.

“From all the evidence we have seen, ICE is failing to fulfill its constitutional obligation to protect the health and safety of individuals in its custody. ICE should exercise its existing discretion to release people with serious medical conditions from detention for humanitarian reasons,” said William Freeman, senior counsel at the ACLU of Northern California.

Meanwhile, ICE is under fire for continuing to shuttle detainees across the country, with one even being forced to take nine different flights bouncing from Louisiana to Texas to New Jersey less than two weeks ago. That man is Dr. Sirous Asgari, a materials science and engineering professor from Iran, who was acquitted last year on federal charges of stealing trade secrets. The government lost its case against him, yet ICE has had him in indefinite detention since November.

Asgari, 59, told the Guardian that his Ice holding facility in Alexandria, Louisiana, had no basic cleaning practices in place and continued to bring in new detainees from across the country with no strategy to minimize the threat of Covid-19...Detainees have no hand sanitizer, and the facility is not regularly cleaning bathrooms or sleeping areas…Detainees lack access to masks… Detainees struggle to stay clean, and the facility has an awful stench.

Jails
State jails are making a better effort to release detained individuals, as both New York and New Jersey ordered a thousand people in each state be let out of jail. The order applied only to low-level offenders sentenced to less than a year in jail and those held on technical probation violations. In Los Angeles County, officials released over 1,700 people from its jails.
A judge in Alabama took similar steps last week, ordering roughly 500 people jailed for minor offenses to be released to lessen crowding in facilities. Unlike in New York and New Jersey, however, local officials reacted in an uproar, led in part by the state executive committee for the Alabama Republican Party and Assistant District Attorney C.J. Robinson. Using angry Facebook messages as the barometer of the community’s feelings, Robinson worked “frantically” to block inmates from being released.

Reuters: As of Saturday, at least 132 inmates and 104 staff at jails across New York City had tested positive for COVID-19, the disease caused by the coronavirus… Since March 22, jails have reported 226 inmates and 131 staff with confirmed cases of COVID-19, according to a Reuters survey of cities and counties that run America’s 20 largest jails. The numbers are almost certainly an undercount given the fast spread of the virus.

Tribe opposed by Trump loses land

On Wednesday, The Federal Bureau of Indian Affairs announced the Mashpee Wampanoag Tribe’s reservation would be "disestablished" and its land trust status removed. Tribal Chairman Cedric Cromwell called the move "cruel" and "unnecessary,” particularly coming in the midst of a pandemic crisis. Rep. Bill Keating (D-Mass.), who last year introduced legislation to protect the tribe's reservation as trust land in Massachusetts, said the order “is one of the most cruel and nonsensical acts I have seen since coming to Congress.”
The administration’s decision is especially suspicious as just last year Trump attacked the tribe’s plan to build a casino on its land, tweeting that allowing the construction would be “unfair” and treat Native Americans unequally. As a former casino owner, Trump has spent decades attacking Native American casinos as unfair competition. At a 1993 congressional hearing Trump said that tribal owners “don’t look like Indians to me” and claimed: “I might have more Indian blood than a lot of the so-called Indians that are trying to open up the reservations” to gambling.
More than his past history, however, Trump has current interests at play in the Mashpee Wampanoag’s planned casino: it would have competed for business with nearby Rhode Island casinos owned by Twin River Worldwide Holdings, whose president, George Papanier, was a finance executive at the Trump Plaza casino hotel in Atlantic City.

In the Mashpee case, Twin River, the operator of the two Rhode Island casinos, has hired Matthew Schlapp, chairman of the American Conservative Union and a vocal Trump supporter, to lobby for it on the land issue. Schlapp’s wife, Mercedes, is director of strategic communications at the White House.

OBLIGATORY FILLER MATERIAL – Just take a hard left at Daeseong-dong…5

Continuing
“Hey, Viv!”, I say, as we’re all being shuttled onto the bus which will take us to our hotel, “Toss me one of those miniatures, if you please. Yeah. Of course, Vodka’ll do. It’s bloody dusty round these parts.”
Viv chuckles and asks if anyone else wants anything. He’s a consummate scrounger and somehow sweet-talked a demure and pulchritudinous female Air China cabin attendant out of her phone number, Email address, and a case of 100 airline liquor miniatures.
That he looks like a marginally graying version of Robert Mitchum in his heyday and speaks fluent Dutch, French, and Italian might explain his success. I mean, a guy with four ex-wives can’t be all wrong, right?
He’s a definite outlier in this crowd. We could be characterized as a batch of aging natural geoscientists who collectively, sans Viv, add up to an approximate eight on the “Looker” scale. Besides the years, the mileage, the climatic, and industrial ravages, it’s a good thing we all have expansive personalities, as most of us are dreadful enough to make a buzzard barf.
But, save for Viv, no one presently here is on the make. Oh, sure; we’ll all sweet talk some fair nubile into a free drink or a double when we really ordered a regular drink, but we’re all married, most terminally, that is, over 35 years and counting. The odd thing is that save and except for Viv, none of us married folk had ever been divorced.
That is strange, considering that the global divorce rate hovers around 50%, and we are often called to be apart from kith and kin for prolonged periods. However, we are always faithful and committed to our marital units and those vows we spoke all those many long decades ago.
But, hey, we’re all seriously male and not anywhere near dead; and there’s no penalty for just looking, right?
Continuing.
We’re all loaded on a pre-war, not certain which war, by the way, bus which stank of fish, kimchee, and diesel fuel. We really don’t care even a tiny, iotic amount. It’s free transport, we’re tired of traveling, and not keen on walking any further than we absolutely have to.
Viv has been passing out boozy little liquor miniatures, and I’ve been handing out cigars since I bought a metric shitload back in Dubai Duty-Free and somehow got them all through customs.
We didn’t light up, as there was neither a driver nor handler present. So, we figured we’d all just wait on the cigars, and concentrate on having a little ground-level “Welcome to Best Korea” party until the powers that be got their collective shit together and provided drivers, herders, and handlers.
We sat there for 15 long minutes. Being the international ambassadors of amity and insobriety, we started making noises like “Hey! Where’s our fucking driver?” and “I am Doctor Academician! Of All State Russian Geological Survey! How dare you make me wait? ”
Suddenly, a couple of characters in ill-fitting gray suits and fake Rays Bans are outside the bus having a collective meltdown. Somehow, someone fucked up and put us on a ‘regular’ bus and not the ‘VIP’ bus. In other words, we got to see what the locals really got to ride around Pyongyang on instead of our supposed to be impressed by the bus that wasn’t there; but was now just arriving.
A spanking new purple-and-chrome Mercedes long-haul bus shows up. It even has our group name emblazoned above the placard that normally tells where the bus is headed or who it is for: “’국제 석유 지질 과학 연합’ [Gugje Seog-yu Jijil Gwahag Yeonhab] or ‘International Union of Petroleum Geological Sciences’”.
We are brusquely ordered off our present bus and into the opulent, obviously bespoke, bright yellow faux-leather interior Mercedes-Benz Tourismo RH M. It’s so new and so obviously a ploy to get us to think that all things here are so new and opulent, it even smells of that new car, ah, bus, aroma.
“Well, we’ll take care of that soon enough”, I muse, as the bus is equipped with ashtrays and we’re going on the scenic route to our hotel, which is only 25 or so kilometers from the airport. However, it was announced that it’ll take us about 2 hours to get to our hotel since we need to see the city in its best light and get a feeling for the town if we should ever find ourselves lost and alone.
We all know what’s going on. They’re getting our rooms ‘ready’ for our arrival and need some extra time to make sure everything’s all wired in and transmitting properly.
“Guys”, I muse to our new handlers, “I’ve been to the Soviet Union, pre-wall fall. I stayed in places where I was definitely among the first westerners ever to grace their porticos. We’re a busload of natural scientists, of eight different nationalities, covering the economic spectrum from staunch capitalism to sociable socialism to hard-core communism. You even think for a second we’re going to spill any beans about anything you’d find interesting or useful? Think again.”
In fact, it would become a running joke between us all to see what sort of fake bombshells we could drop into the normal conversation what would give the listener’s the greatest case of the jibblies.
But for now, our bags were all loaded into the cargo compartment of this very, very nice, I must admit, mode of conveyance. Our handlers: ‘Yuk’, ‘No’, ‘Man’, and ‘Kong’, are all seated upfront and please with their latest tally of bodies. We have a couple of shady fellow travelers with the knock-off Ray-Bans and shiny gray suits that just appeared out of the woodwork in the back, seated by the loo, watching over all of us, and we’re going on a fucking city tour, whether we like it or not.
We’re all present and accounted for. Let’s keep our camera in our bags for the time being as the drinking and smoking lights had just been lit as the bus fired up its new German-engineered and machined precision diesel engine.
The bus rumbled to life and after a moment or two of checking that all dials, gauges, and indicators were where they were supposed to be; without so much as a cursory glance, we pulled out into traffic.
Except there was none.
Not another bus, pushbike, tap-tap, scooter, car, truck, hover-board, or motorcycle in sight.
Nothing.
Seems we were a big deal. They shut down the main drag so we wouldn’t be encumbered by such proletariat things like traffic jams or people-things cluttering the roadway, clambering for a look at the Western scientific cadre.
So, away we whizzed, sans traffic and into the very belly of the beast, and onward; eventually, towards our hotel.
Our handlers were very kind to point out passing scenes of interest.
“Look, look! There’s the Potong River. Notice all the lovely birds, ‘eh what? See the Norwegian Blue? Beautiful plumage!”
“See here, look. Here’s the Taedong River. Many forms of fish in the river. Maybe we’ll see some fishermen. If you like, we can stop, and ask them about today’s catch.”
We all declined, as we were certain that the fish the ‘random fisherman’ we’d talk to was flown in fresh from elsewhere earlier in the day.
Besides, we were comfortable. We had our drinks, our cigars, and we were leaving the driving to someone else.
After being driven around the city and seeing all the wonderful monuments, like the faux Arch of Triumph, which looks exactly unlike its namesake Arc de Triomphe de l'Étoile in Paris.
The Arch of Reunification, a monument to the goal of a reunified Korea, which, by necessity, is unfinished. Then there’s the Tomb of King Tongmyŏng, where people are lining up, just dying’ to get in.
Finally, we all called for our hotel, the Yanggakdo, after yet another mausoleum, the Kumsusan Memorial Palace of the Sun.
Arches or tombs. Such a stunning array of monuments and places of less than moderate interest.
We were interested in Mirae Scientists street (Future Scientists street). It is a street in a newly developed area in Pyongyang to house scientific institutions of the Kim Chaek University of Technology and its employees. But we were told that it was too late, there was not much there to see, we needed to express written permission to visit, and we’d be going there tomorrow or next week.
We wheel into the parking lot of the Yanggakdo Hotel and are immediately unimpressed by the pseudo-Baroque concrete fiasco that appears to stand, wobbly, before us. It’s a page right out of the Soviet Construction-For-The-Masses Handbook. A cold, gray concrete edifice with multitudes of seemingly little, tiny windows. A perfect metaphor for our travels thus far; look at the expansiveness of Best Korean wonders, through this pinhole.
However, we judged too soon. We were told to go inside and check-in, whilst our luggage would be de-bussed for us and handled by the expertly efficient hotel staff. The lobby was opulent, tastefully laid out in earth tones of facades of veneers of marble, granite, some garnet-mica schist, if my hand lens doesn’t lie, some Prepaleozoic anatectic migmatite, displaying intricate and intense plication, xenoliths, and graphic delineation of minerals by segregation through melting points. There was a gigantic well-appointed and well kept up aquarium, complete with snuffling sharks and nuclear-submarine sized groupers.
Very handsome indeed. Impressions increasing slightly.
Then we see that there’s a bloody casino on the bottom floor of the hotel, several bars interspersed throughout the hotel, and karaoke, of which I’m not terribly fond, but some of my European counterparts almost swooned at the prospect. There are a large pool and weight rooms/gymnasia, saunas and places to relax outside of one’s room, but still under the watchful eye of the thousands of ill-concealed video cameras at every turn.
“Covert surveillance” may be a thing in Best Korea, but it’s a practice still leaves a lot to be desired. The Eastern Siberian Russians back before the wall fell were more covert with their obvious button audio microphones woven into the fabric covering the headboard of your Intourist bed than the Best Koreans here. Their cameras were ‘disguised’ as flower arrangements, overhead lights, and speakers inexplicably placed into things like standing ashtrays, refuse bins, and randomly placed holes in the wall.
The floors were all covered with exquisite what looked to be hand-woven rugs of most vibrant crimson and gold; the usual Communistic colors. Always with some sort of floral pattern or pattern that’s supposed to be reflective of nature, as I was told. Evidently, for workers to remember what nature was as they don’t get out much with 14 to 16 hours workdays here in the Worker’s Paradise.
Enough of the travelogue; we all wander up to the front desk, and each with their own passport in hand, request our reserved rooms. We supposed that we would all have rooms on different floors as the reservations were made, expired, re-made, juggled, rebooked, allowed to expire, re-jiggered, and finally formalized a scant week before we left the UK.
Nope. No such luck. We were all on the 39th floor. The place boasts 47 floors, of which, the top floor is a revolving restaurant. Evidently, food tastes better when you’re rotating.
However, it won’t spin unless you first buy a drink.
We had that thing whirling like a NASA centrifuge after its discovery the second night.
Yeah, all 12 of us are bivouacked on the 39th floor. A floor with approximately 30 rooms.
I guess we could have played “Room Roulette” and see who got which room and who’s luggage. Or we could switch every day or two to drive our handlers nuts. Or, we could just take our assigned rooms, which were conveniently located one empty room apart.
Meaning, no one had adjoining rooms. Why? Fuck if I know. We didn’t spend much time in our rooms, and that time was either sleeping or showering. We’d all meet at the bar, casino, restaurant, karaoke, bowling alley (all three lanes) or actual meeting rooms every once in a while when we thought we should get together and compare notes. It was the most inexplicable situation.
Plus, we spent an inordinate amount of time waiting on the fucking elevators to take us to our room. These elevators, and if you think you’re going to get a batch of aging senior scientists to schlep it up 39 floor’s worth of stairs, think again; are the slowest elevators in the civilized world. And that was the consensus of scientists representing not only Europe and North America, but Russia as well. 15-25 minutes added to each journey, up or down; stopping on every floor, except 5, on the way down..
Jesus Q. Fuck, dudes. If you can’t construct a bleedin’ elevator that works better than those at the Sozvezdie Medveditsy Guest House in Lesosibirsk, Eastern Siberia; then I suggest you seriously rethink your plans for world domination and new world order.
Grako and Erwin once, while waiting for the fucking elevator, figured out that we were earning some US$25 each just to wait for the lift to arrive and take us to our rooms. Every day. Sometimes several times per day.
With that, we all agreed to toss our “waiting time” funds into a kitty and on our last day of captivity here, blow it all in the hotel casino. Whatever became of that would be donated to the Koreans we thought most deserving of our largesse.
Would it be our handlers? How about the Korean Scientists we’d be meeting? The affable and most accommodating concierge? Or that plucky little Korean charwoman who was always on our floor and kept everything spotless, right down to our freshly laundered and pressed field clothes and newly polished field boots; done without our requesting or knowledge?
Only time would tell.
It could be a fortune or it could be bupkiss. Just like our expectations of the Heavenly Kingdom where we were currently sequestered.
As it was, with our official protestations, they kept only photocopies of our passports as we roundly refused and threatened a full-scale karaoke battle right here in the lobby if they didn’t relinquish our passports immediately. I had broken out my nastiest cigar and was primed to offend.
With that, we all had our keys and trooped over to the elevators for our first, of many, inexplicable waits. We made many uncharitable and potentially nasty remarks about the Anti-Western posters that made up some of the wall décor. Once we finally made it to our floor, we all fanned out to find our rooms. Viv found his first and was quite pleased to report to the rest of us that there was a “Welcome” basket in his room.
We all hoped that we would be receiving one a well.
I was in room 3914; which I considered a close call, but later only wondered as there was no 3913. Upon entering, I saw it was 1980s Hotel 6 opulent, but with an excellent over-city view. True it was late, dark, and the city was only somewhat lit up; I was looking forward to the view of the town in full daylight.
The room had a ‘king’ bed; that is if the king in question was Tutankhamen, the stubby, Egyptian boy king. The bed had no mattress pad and no box spring but it was hard enough for my liking. Many of my compatriots didn’t agree and complained bitterly. They eventually received thin mattress pads for all their kvetching.
There was an ancient Japanese color television, which only had 2 English language channels - Al Jazeera and the BBC, which was on a dated news loop. Watching the local channel is amusing though; the ads for ‘personal enhancements’ were hilarious, even without understanding a word of the language.
There were a couple of chairs and a low table, built-in dresser drawers for our clothes, a rusty and probably unusable room safe with corroded batteries, a small table built out of the wall that would serve as my travel office, and would-you-believe, a rotary telephone; how’s that for nostalgia?
There was an old-model radio built into the nightstand next to the bed. I was very surprised to find it not only received AM, FM but shortwave as well. I had brought along a pair of Bose headphones and during some rainy down days, spent many fun-filled, and I mean that sincerely, hours DXing from the comfort of my ‘enormous’ king bed.
Beyond that, the room was very nondescript. Like any other of the millions of rooms in hotels around the world that unlike here, aren’t claiming a 5-star rating. I mean, it was clean, if not a little long in the tooth. But didn’t smell too terrible, even after I took care of that with my Camacho offerings. It was utilitarian, everything worked, even the water pressure, which surprisingly could strip off layers of one’s skin if you weren’t careful.
The bathroom, though no Jacuzzi, had a large enough bathtub for the occasional soaking period. Western accouterments in the bathroom were also welcome additions. My knees can’t handle the traditional squat-holes any longer.
There were an electric teapot and several brands of tea, but no coffee. A quick “Gee! I sure wish I had some coffee!” to the four walls and damned if 30 minutes later, a porter didn’t arrive to replenish my tea and courtesy in-room coffee…
There was a small Japanese brand in-room refrigerator which I thought might house a mini-bar. Oh, no! It was actually a complimentary larder stocked with all sorts of Best Korean goodies. Multiple cans of Taedonggang beer. Several bottles of Pyongyang Soju, in various flavors ranging anywhere from 16.8 to 53 percent alcohol by volume. My fridge was skewed towards the right-hand side of the bell curve; the more heavy-duty boozy side.
Evidently, my reputation had preceded me again.
There was a selection of German-style wheat beers from the Taedonggang Brewery and the more familiar ales, steam beers, and lagers. There were some imported beers like Heineken, Bavaria, Pils, a couple of Japanese brands: Asahi and Kirin, and something called ‘Hello Beer’ from Singapore.
There were also ‘sampler’ bottles of Apricot Pit wine, and a couple of high-alcohol fruity liquors made from constituents such as apple or pear, and mushrooms. There were also special medicinal liquors like ‘Rason’s Seal Penis Liquor’.
That is going home with me unopened.
There were a couple of bottles of local sake, called Chonju. Finally, there was a couple ‘samplers’ of homemade alcohol known as Makkoli. Plus there was something called ‘Corn Grotto’, which for the life of me, looks and tastes much like a very passable Kentucky Sippin’ Bourbon.
I put our concierge on instant danger money the very next day. He’s yet to source me more than a fifth of the stuff so far.
I found that there is a popular drink here which mirrors the Yorsch of Mother Russia. Beer and soju can be mixed to create *somaek’; a foamy, frothy, funky drink of many flavors, depending on the soju chosen.
Is ethnoimbibology at thing? The science of how different cultures drink and the effects of drinking culture on different societies. If not, now I have another Ph.D. to pursue after I endow a chair at some likely Asian university.
Anyways, in everyone’s room was a “welcome” basket, just chock full of Best Korean goodies. Postcards, stamps, ads for coin sets, stamp proofs and other goodies that could be purchased at the hotel. There was a field notebook, which I thought was a very nice addition, newspapers, cookies, crackers, biscuits, candies, fruit drinks, and some fresh fruit; although tamarind chewies and durian chips aren’t on my list of personal favorites.
There were a couple of tour books, just chock full of staged photos. These were very nice as well, as so far, we haven’t had much time for shopping outside of government stores or smaller family-run shops in town or out in the boonies.
A few of us were hungry and decided to see what the hotel had to offer room service-wise.
Bupkiss.
But, they did have a selection of restaurants. There is a Chinese restaurant, a European restaurant, and a Korean restaurant on site but they all serve the same food...a Best Korean attempt at western food. And it was weird being the only ones in the restaurant even though it was fully staffed.
We grazed lightly and decided to do some late-night perambulations around our hotel. Our handlers admonished us to stay within the confines of the hotel, or see them if it was absolutely necessary to go walkabout. In the hotel, we were on our own.
We found that there were tunnels in the hotel’s basement. The basement tunnels were a real bonus. There’s a bar with pool tables, a karaoke room, bowling, and a massage parlor, where I was beaten and pummeled into submission by tiny, diminutive, little Korean lassies fully 1/5th my size.
It was wonderful.
There was a hairdresser’s, who were completely befuddled by my shoulder-length silver-gray locks and full gray Grizzly Adams beard. They did provide a lovely shampoo/cranial massage though for the equivalent of US$2.
There were a couple of shops selling Chinese goods rather than local stuff, which was sort of disappointing, a cold noodle bar, and another casino. No shops selling Korean Communist propaganda posters, as I wanted to augment my Soviet-era collection. Perhaps I’ll find something in-country later on.
We were shocked to find that the casino had WiFi that was uncensored and we were able to access; after a fee of liquor miniatures and a cigar or two. We were supposed to have access to the global internet, not local intranet, from the universities that we would be visiting. However, all of that was under the heavily squinting eyes of handlers and guys in shiny suits wearing fake Ray-Bans.
I still had my secret satellite internet lash-up available, but that was iffy, a pain in the ass to set up, and ridiculously expensive. However, it did work on the 39th floor and the times I used it instead of wandering down to the tunnels, no one appeared to be the wiser. Thus far.
So typically, we’d just head to the basement casino with our laptops, iPads, and phones. Bam! Robert’s your Sister’s Husband, we could connect more-or-less free with the outside world; hence how you are reading this now.
Herro! “Yes, I’d sure like another beer. This time a porter, if you please.”
The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain. Or the more they put into locks, the easier they are to pick.
Besides, we were told we’d have access to unfettered and free internet. OK, so we just found it for ourselves. Whaddya expect? We’re scientists, motherfucker, back off.
Ahem.
Back to reality.
The breakfast buffet the next morning had a wide choice of Asian and Western food, although the choices seemed to be the same every day. The main event was to beat the Chinese tourists to the egg station every morning. Breakfast always included fried eggs, a limited selection of pork, kippered fish, potatoes, rice, fruit, and a very Titanium-dioxide-white white bread
After a while, I took to going to the small market behind the lobby, buying some imported Chinese or Japanese nibbly bits and heading to the tunnels for a few breakfast beers before the long hard day’s work. It took almost a week, but I gained the trust of some of the workers in the tunnels and they showed me the on-site microbrewery at the hotel. It produced very passable, and very, very cheap beers of several varieties.
Liquid bread. Beer. Is there nothing it can’t do?
After breakfast our first day at the hotel, we were told to meet in the Conference Room “Il-sung” as we were going to have a ‘Welcome foreign imperialist scientists’ introduction and indoctrination.
Besides our handlers and the shiny-suit squad, there were several Korean folks we didn’t recognize. These were students, scientists, and scholars from the Kim Chaek University of Technology, Kim Il-sung University, the Pyongyang University of Science and Technology; all hailing from Pyongyang, and the University of Geology from North Hwanghae Province.
“Oh, marvelous”, Erlen remarked, “It’s going to be a bloody Chautauqua. We’ll be here all day.”
“Well”, I replied, “It could be worse. We could be on a bus headed off on another unscheduled road trip.”
As we found our seats, our Korean counterparts were busily setting up portable screens, like the ones your grandfather had for showing his 2.1 Googleplex worth of travel slides every Christmas or Thanksgiving get-together. They had a couple of ancient Chinese brand laptops that could have doubled for body armor, they were so thick and heavy.
While they fiddled with running cords for the overhead projectors and 16mm film projector; yes, it was going to be movie time as well, the hotel’s restaurant folks wheeled in carts laden with scones, cupcakes, and other sweet sorts of bakery. Another cart was wheeled in with pump-pots of hot water, tea, and coffee. Usual scientific meeting fare.
There was one final cart that made the day bearable. It held a pony keg of hotel micro-brewed beer on ice, with several dozen frosty mugs available for all who wanted to partake.
There were instantly 12 mugs that were spoken for.
I grabbed a cold beer and wandered around the conference room, sipping beer, chewing on an unlit cigar, and just trying to be pleasant to our hosts and their scientific guests. I was surprised when one North Korean professor, who spoke amazingly British-tinged English, offered me a light for my cigar.
“Is smoking allowed here?” I asked.
“Allowed?” he laughed heartily, “My good man, it’s practically a prerequisite.”
“Here then”, I said, offering him a nice, unctuous Camacho, “Try one of mine.”
Dr. P'ung Kwang-Seon of the North Korean University of Geology became my instant and lifelong friend at that moment.
We had a very nice chat, much to the chagrin of the gray suit cadre, who could hear what we were talking about, but probably didn’t understand anything beyond every 8th word.
After a while, we were asked to take our seats, after refreshing our drinks, and introduced to the group of Korean geoscientists we’d be interacting with during our stay here in Best Korea.
I tried to record every name, but between the students, other scholars, and professors from the various universities, I decided I’d ask for a list of participants once the day had worn on. After all, they had all our names, references, and resumes if the thick folio they kept referring to was any indication.
There were a couple of hours of introductions, as every one of the Korean geoscientists there introduced themselves, mostly through translators, told of their personal area of specialty, and their latest work.
Most were what would be considered geoscientists, but oddly enough, not one that you would consider a petroleum geoscientist, however tangentially.
There were geomorphologists, structural geologists, petrologists, mineralogists, marine geologists, engineering geologists, and seismologists. However, there were no stratigraphers, sedimentologists, paleontologists, or geochemists. We were all geoscientists, but apart from the obvious Korean:English disparity, it was as if we spoke different scientific languages as well.
That would be our first hurdle to overcome.
They had no oil industry here; none whatsoever, therefore why one would bother with the geosciences that fed directly into petroleum? That, in and of itself, would make it difficult to explore for oil in the country. Couple that with the fact that they’re so insular, think their version of ‘science’ is the best, at least that’s the official line, and think all other’s ‘science’ is capitalistic, substandard, and inferior doesn’t bode well for your country discovering anything either oily or gassy.
We were having another conclave around the beer keg, ack, err…a ‘coffee break’ and I mentioned this fact to my scientific colleagues.
“Guys”, I need input here, “We’re going to get precisely nowhere if they won’t even acknowledge that they have major problems from the start.”
Ivan replies, “Very true. I’ve seen this before back home. You get a group so entrenched in their own little corner of science, they can’t even accept or acknowledge that others exist. Not only exist but actually know more about a certain problem than do you.”
Dax joins the fray, “Sure, that’s very true, but who’s going to tell them this unfortunate fact? They could take that as a personal, national, and global insult. Imagine you’re at an international conference and a bunch of foreigners walk in just to tell you you’ve been doing it all wrong for the last 75 years.”
I add, “Remember, though. These characters are scientists as well. I think it’ll be a good measure of seeing what sort of science and scientist we’re dealing with here. If they are truly researchers, they’ll listen to and evaluate what we say as for veracity and accuracy. If they’re just a bunch of Commie goons; no offense, Comrade Academician Ivan, they’ll get all pissed off, kick us out, and we get to go home and enjoy our triple Force Majeure pay.”
Ivan walks over and deliberately steps on the toes of my newly polished field boots.
“In Soviet Russia, field boots walk on YOU.” He laughs in his heavily inflected, and scary, Soviet-era speech…
“Yes, I agree”, Joon adds, “But who is going to address this issue with our hosts? Perhaps one of our Russian comrades, as they are, or were, more politically aligned with our Korean friends and perhaps best understand the issue?”
Ack speaks up, grinning maniacally, “No, I disagree. We should have the one person here who so encapsulates the ideologies and political leanings that they love to hate here so much. You know; the quiet, diminutive, and soft-spoken North American…”
Dax recoils, “Oh, no! I’m not going out in front of this mob of ornery Orientals…”
I smile wanly and tell Dax to cool out.
“Relax, Dax. They’re talking about me.”
“Oh, yes”, a collective group of voices replies, “Yes. Let out fearless Team Leader break the bad news to our Eastern Colleagues. That way we can gauge their reactions to being bounced around scientifically by a member of the Evil Capitalist Cartel.”
“OK”, I reply, “I’ll do it. But be forewarned, my fine feathered fiends. I get stuck on a topic that’s not precisely my bailiwick, I’m going to throw your ass to the wolves. Remember, we’re all in this together.”
Whoops, and catcalls were reduced to mumbles and ‘Aw, fucks.’.
Chautauqua resumption was called and I asked for the floor.
It was a bit off the agenda, but since they’ve been chewing the air for the last several hours, they understood it would be appropriate for us to at least try and get a word in edgewise.
I downed my beer, and grabbed a fresh one as what I was going to say was going to be harsh, cut-and-dried, and rather pointed. But delivered in a pleasant manner.
I hoped.
This all had to be filtered through a series of translators, one for general conversational Korean and another for the more technical and scientific transliterations. I realized I was going to be up here for a while. So, I brought a cigar.
One way or another, I was going to deliver our pronouncements and hell, I may as well be comfortable while doing it.
.
“Greetings and felicitations, my Eastern Colleagues. Let me first say how nice it is to be here in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea as part of the ….”
I’m going to fast-forward through all the flowery bullshit and introductory happiness; I’ll going to just cut to the guts of the matter.
“…Now, you do know why there has been virtually no oil, gas nor any other hydrocarbon related deposit discovered here in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea?” I asked by way of a rhetorical question.
I sipped my beer and lit my cigar. In for a chon, in for a won.
I let the buzzing subside on the side of our eastern counterparts.
“Because, and please do not take this as insulting or derogatory, but as a statement of irrefutable fact, no one with the proper training nor experience has been looking. You’re historically guilty of applying the science incorrectly and letting dogma and politics guide your search, instead of the scientific method and the facts. Geology, like all natural science, is just as truth based on the facts for a capitalist as it is for a communist. Reality is not influenced by your beliefs, be they scientific or political, secular or spiritual, ‘trusted’ rather than ‘thought’; any more than by your wish that it wouldn’t rain today during a raging thunderstorm.”
Little Boy over Hiroshima was dropped with less effect.
Our Democratic People's Republic of Korea colleagues erupted into a chaotic mixture of stuttering, internecine yelling, accusations, and sputtering.
Calling for decorum, I figured that since I was this far gone, I may as well push the plunger all the way to the bottom.
“Gentlemen, I do not denigrate the science of geology as taught and practiced here in Best Korea.” I actually said that, sort of a slip of the tongue. Continuing, “However, one would not fish for Bluefin tuna from a rowboat in a pond with a fly rod. One does not hunt bear in the city with a slingshot. Just as one doesn’t search for oil and gas with mining engineers, geomorphologists, and seismologists.”
I let that sink in and after the translation, they calmed a bit and wanted to hear the rest of what I had to say. I could sense a couple was less than thrilled with what I had to say, but forging onward…
“One fishes for Bluefin tuna in the deep ocean with huge rods, reels and a specialist boat captained by someone with deep experience in hunting the elusive fish. One hunts bear in the proper environment, the taiga or forest, with the proper tools and guided by one with the education, learnedness, and experience to know how to make the hunt come out successful.”
Hit them with some analogies they can relate to and digest. Now, go for the carotid.
“Just like one does not hunt oil and gas without stratigraphers, sedimentologists, geophysicists, petrophysicists, and other oil and gas experts who have the education, experience, and knowledge to know where to look. Knowing which environment looks most conductive to hide your quarry, if you’ll pardon the pun, and how best to find them, the guys who know how to corral and de-risk them once you find them, and the engineers and technologists who know how to bring them to the surface so they can be utilized.”
They had stopped being irritated and were listening in rapt attention.
“My colleagues and I have spent the last few days going over, in detail the geology of your country. There is nothing we can see that would preclude the development, entrapment, and preservation of economic quantities of oil and gas. Ture, the geology is quite complex as is the structural history of the entire peninsula. That’s one other thing you will have to accept. Geology doesn’t give the tiniest shit about political boundaries. One must look at the big picture, and that doesn’t stop at some man-made borders. Ignore that fact at your peril, because if you continue to view the geology here as not existing across political boundaries, you are preadapting yourself for failure.”
Drs. Ivan, Volna, and Morse make certain that everyone sees the ex-Soviets agreeing with the bushy-bearded, cigar-chomping American capitalist.
“So,” I said, hoping to bring this little spit-balling session to a fortuitous close, “If we can have an agreement; scientific agreement, on these points, then I am certain we can find a way forward with not only this discussion but the program we can devise for the best Korean (notice phase shift?) geologists to take the project forward both scientifically soundly and economically successful.”
My North Korean counterpart gets up from his seat in the conference room, goes to the keg, taps a couple of beers and walks up to the podium where I was standing.
“Thank you, Dr. Rocknocker, for saying what needed to be said”, he spoke in perfect English as he handed me a beer.
I grinned and gratefully accepted the beer.
“Why, Dr. Chang Kwang-Su”, I said, as that was his name, “You old fraud. You do speak English; and very well, I must add.”
“Yes, almost all of us do”, he relayed, “But, as you said, we are most reserved. We were more or less under orders of the ‘most illustrious’, to play coy, and act as if we spoke no English.”
“I see.” I said, “I’ve worked in several FSU countries as well as Russia and saw that there as well. I guess old habits die hard.”
“That they do, Doctor.”, he replied, “But, we must now tell you the truth. We knew exactly what you said is true, and we agree. We are not as totally insulated from the outside world as some suspect.”
“Well, I was going on what your superiors related to us. Like the police that had all their toilets stolen, I had nothing else to go on.” I replied.
“Ah, ha! Quite!”, he chuckled, “We had long suspected that we were lacking in certain areas of scholarship. What you said cements that fact as it was an independent conclusion. We can now present that to our superiors with the caveat that unless we bolster work and training in these areas, the hunt of hydrocarbon resources here will be for naught.”
“I am relieved”, I said, truthfully. “I was slightly concerned that some might take umbrage to being told their science is not up to specifications. I tried to be the bearer of that bad news but deliver it gently. Here, I find you need that to use that as a truncheon to smack one’s boss upside the head and tell him that an upgrade is required. And fast.”
“Ah, so”, he replies, “We are in total agreement. Now that is out of the way, we would appreciate it if you’d help in designing a course of study for up and coming local geoscientists. Then, we can go forward with a great plan to search for oil and gas here in…Korea. Correct?”
“Absolutely”, I remarked, “You’ve got over 400 man-years of science and exploration expertise here in this room alone. Let’s shoot for the moon, so to speak. Let’s get you up to speed on scientific journals and articles that are available out there in all of academia and industry. Let’s get you communicating on a global basis. Let’s prove that you can talk science with global scientists and still not have it affect your political or nationalistic aspirations one little bit. Let’s see if we can drag you, figuratively speaking, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century.”
“Doctor”, Dr. Chang remarked, “You are the embodiment of what we were always told what Americans are. Brash, loud, confident, and evil. Except for evil, you are American as we were led to believe.”
“Hey, I take that as a compliment”, I exclaim. “You think that’s bad, I’ve got a bunch of earnest Europeans, raucous Russians, and a couple of cagey Canadians on my side as well. Before we’re finished here, we’ll have you ordering hachee, dining on Caldo Verde, snacking on salmiakki, drinking Russkaya vodka with Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, eating poutine, and rooting for the Packers.”
“Doctor, I don’t know what half of that means, but I hope it comes to pass. It sounds most fascinating.” Dr. Chang chuckles.
The rest of the day was spent with various groups crystallizing and breaking off from the main crowd; then reforming as different groups. This was good, as it showed an interest across not only national borders but across ideologies and scientific specialties.
Most everyone here spoke English with some degree of fluency, so the translators were called in only occasionally.
I made certain they were included in everything that transpired that day. I want everyone to feel ‘part of the team’. How better to show the classlessness of Western science to include everyone in on both sides of every discussion and activity?
To be continued…

What's happening around town (Wed, Sep 11th - Tue, Sep 17th)

Tulsa's event list.

Wednesday, Sep 11th

American Miniature Horse Registry National Show (Expo Square - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Sep 15th The American Miniature Horse Registry and American Shetland Pony Club are bringing their National Show to Tulsa’s Expo…
Food Truck Wednesdays (Guthrie Green - Tulsa) Every Wednesday, grab some tasty eats and gather on the grounds of Guthrie Green. During Food Truck Wednesdays, lunchtime…
Just Between Friends (Expo Square - Tulsa) Thru Sat, Sep 14th If you have a growing family or are planning for one, the Just Between Friends sale, held at the Tulsa Expo Square, is…
😂 Quinn Patterson (Loony Bin - Tulsa) Thru Sat, Sep 14th

Thursday, Sep 12th

American Miniature Horse Registry National Show (Expo Square - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Sep 15th The American Miniature Horse Registry and American Shetland Pony Club are bringing their National Show to Tulsa’s Expo…
Big Daddy Weave - Alive Tour (Union Multipurpose Activity Center - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm Premium ticket holders will receive first entry, premium seating in a reserved section, a premium guest tour laminate, and participate in a pre-show conversation with Mike Weaver of Big Daddy Weave. With the band releasing new music, a television show, and a new book, Mike will share stories from this exciting season and take questions from the…
Book Launch: Religion around Mary Shelley by Jennifer Airey (University of Tulsa - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm
🎓 Bounce'n Beethovens (Owasso Library - Owasso) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Start Time: 6:30pm Children and parents explore music through movement and instruments as they play with egg shakers, bells, rhythm sticks, drums and maracas in this fun, interactive program. Registration is required as class size is limited. Register online or call 918-549-7323. Please register for only one Bounce'n Beethovens class per month. For ages birth-5.…
🎭 Creations in Studio K (Tulsa Ballet - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Tulsa Ballet presents "Creations in Studio K," an annual series of new works created by…
Coweta Fall Festival (Downtown - Coweta) Thru Sat, Sep 14th Celebrate the coming of fall with friends and family at the annual Coweta Fall Festival. Held in downtown Coweta, visitors…
🎓 Frankenstein, Doubt, and Despair: A Book Launch (Oklahoma Center for the Humanities - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm Join us in celebrating the publication of TU professor Jennifer Airey's new book: Religion around Mary Shelley. Mary Shelley lived and wrote during an age of religious instability, one that witnessed the spread of atheism, millenarianism, Methodism, Unitarianism, and Evangelicalism, among other belief systems. In this book, Jennifer L. Airey…
Just Between Friends (Expo Square - Tulsa) Thru Sat, Sep 14th If you have a growing family or are planning for one, the Just Between Friends sale, held at the Tulsa Expo Square, is…
Kendall Whittier After Five (Kendall-Whittier - Tulsa) Kendall Whittier After Five brings the Tulsa community together for Thursday evening fun. Each second Thursday, all are…
Midday Static (Blackbird On Pearl - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm
😂 Quinn Patterson (Loony Bin - Tulsa) Thru Sat, Sep 14th
Rogers County Free Fair (Claremore Expo Center - Claremore) Thru Sun, Sep 15th Come to the Rogers County Free Fair and browse through Made in Oklahoma products, arts and crafts, baked goods, livestock…
😂 Sebastian Maniscalco Headlines River Spirit Casino (River Spirit Casino - Tulsa) Start Time: 8:00pm Fresh off a wildly successful, two-year-plus run on his Stay Hungry Tour, Billboard’s inaugural Comedian of the Year Sebastian Maniscalco is back with the You Bother Me tour, which is currently set to visit 12 cities in the U.S. and Canada throughout its fall run.
Touted as ‘the comedian’s comedian” by People, Maniscalco finds himself…

Friday, Sep 13th

American Miniature Horse Registry National Show (Expo Square - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Sep 15th The American Miniature Horse Registry and American Shetland Pony Club are bringing their National Show to Tulsa’s Expo…
🎓 Bounce'n Beethovens (Owasso Library - Owasso) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Start Time: 6:30pm Children and parents explore music through movement and instruments as they play with egg shakers, bells, rhythm sticks, drums and maracas in this fun, interactive program. Registration is required as class size is limited. Register online or call 918-549-7323. Please register for only one Bounce'n Beethovens class per month. For ages birth-5.…
Crayons Improv Comedy Show (Heritage United Methodist Church - Broken Arrow) Get ready to laugh at this family-friendly, improvised comedy show. Crayons Improv uses audience suggestions, participation…
🎭 Creations in Studio K (Tulsa Ballet - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Tulsa Ballet presents "Creations in Studio K," an annual series of new works created by…
Coweta Fall Festival (Downtown - Coweta) 1 day left Celebrate the coming of fall with friends and family at the annual Coweta Fall Festival. Held in downtown Coweta, visitors…
Friday Night Test N Tune (Tulsa Raceway Park - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:00pm
🎨 GARDEN CAT BOOK LAUNCH (Philbrook Downtown - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:00pm Join us for the launch of of very first picture book featuring our famous garden cats! Perfectly timed to be the same night as our annual Internet Cat Video Festival. Tulsa native and acclaimed authoillustrator Katie Turner will be here to sign copies. The cats may sign too. They’re moody. Time will tell. :) THE CAT WHO GOT FRAMED by Katie…
🎨 Internet Cat Video Festival (Philbrook Downtown - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:00pm Meow's the time. Get ready for the Internet Cat Video Festival, airing in the Philbrook Gardens! This notorious offline celebration of online cats, co-hosted by Philbrook Director Scott Stulen, features the best cat videos the internet has to offer. Member Tickets on sale July 22 Not-Yet Member Tickets on sale July 29 Friday, September 13 Doors…
Just Between Friends (Expo Square - Tulsa) 1 day left If you have a growing family or are planning for one, the Just Between Friends sale, held at the Tulsa Expo Square, is…
♪ LA Guns with Special Guest Grind (IDL Ballroom - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00pm Headliner: LA Guns Special Guest: Grind
Monster Mash up (Blackbird On Pearl - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm
😂 Quinn Patterson (Loony Bin - Tulsa) 1 day left
Rogers County Free Fair (Claremore Expo Center - Claremore) Thru Sun, Sep 15th Come to the Rogers County Free Fair and browse through Made in Oklahoma products, arts and crafts, baked goods, livestock…
ScotFest (Events Park / Rugby Practice - Broken Arrow) Thru Sun, Sep 15th ScotFest is Oklahoma's flagship celebration of Celtic history and heritage. Held in Broken Arrow's Chisholm…
🎭 Tulsa Town Hall's 85th Anniversary Season (Tulsa Performing Art Center - Tulsa) Start Time: 10:30am

Saturday, Sep 14th

American Miniature Horse Registry National Show (Expo Square - Tulsa) 1 day left The American Miniature Horse Registry and American Shetland Pony Club are bringing their National Show to Tulsa’s Expo…
🎓 Bounce'n Beethovens (Owasso Library - Owasso) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Start Time: 6:30pm Children and parents explore music through movement and instruments as they play with egg shakers, bells, rhythm sticks, drums and maracas in this fun, interactive program. Registration is required as class size is limited. Register online or call 918-549-7323. Please register for only one Bounce'n Beethovens class per month. For ages birth-5.…
🏃 Conquer the Gauntlet (Tulsa Raceway Park - Tulsa) 4 Muddy Miles. 25+ Epic Obstacles. More Mud. More Obstacles. Less Money. https://conquerthegauntlet.com We time EVERY runner and everyone receives a quality, fitted finisher shirt, a medal, a CTG water bottle, and FREE race pictures. Our obstacles are second to none! Spectating is FREE and we do not charge online fees.
Can You Conquer…
Conquer the Gauntlet Obstacle Race (Post Oak Lodge - Tulsa) Conquer the Gauntlet is an insanely fun four mile obstacle course and adventure race that features over 25 obstacles. Held…
🎭 Creations in Studio K (Tulsa Ballet - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Tulsa Ballet presents "Creations in Studio K," an annual series of new works created by…
🎭 The Drunkard and the Olio (Tulsa Spotlight Theatre - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:30pm
Coweta Fall Festival (Downtown - Coweta) Last Day Celebrate the coming of fall with friends and family at the annual Coweta Fall Festival. Held in downtown Coweta, visitors…
Green Country Bonsai - Fall Show (Tulsa Garden Center - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00am
Just Between Friends (Expo Square - Tulsa) Last Day If you have a growing family or are planning for one, the Just Between Friends sale, held at the Tulsa Expo Square, is…
Keystone Car Show (Keystone State Park - Sand Springs) Spend the day browsing new and vintage cars at beautiful Keystone State Park in Sand Springs. The annual Keystone Car Show…
MisFEST (Guthrie Green - Tulsa) Tulsa's MisFest music festival highlights female-fronted bands and female singer-songwriters. Head to the Guthrie Green…
Oklahoma Gun Show (Expo Square - Tulsa) Day 1 of 2 The Oklahoma Gun Show at Expo Square in Tulsa is sure to have the products you are looking for with a wide selection of…
Opening Night Gala Concert (Tulsa Performing Art Center - Tulsa) Start Time: 8:00pm See world renowned-violinist Rachel Barton Pine perform a series of captivating concertos at the Tulsa Symphony…
🎨 Picasso at the Lapin Agile (Theatre Tulsa - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Start Time: 8:00pm Presented By: Theatre Tulsa From the imagination of Steve Martin comes a comedy as profound as it is hilarious. Before achieving their breakthroughs, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso meet at the Lapin Agile in Paris. There they debate ideas large and small, while a host of colorful characters help the two geniuses uncover their creative potential.
🏃 The Q (Blue Dome District - Tulsa) The “Q” features a Quarter Marathon (6.55 miles or 10.48K), a 5K, and Half Marathon. The truly brave opt to do "The Double" (5K + Quarter Marathon Combo) or "The Super Double" (5K + Half Marathon). See website for complete details!
😂 Quinn Patterson (Loony Bin - Tulsa) Last Day
Redwitch Johnny (The Shrine - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm
Rogers County Free Fair (Claremore Expo Center - Claremore) 1 day left Come to the Rogers County Free Fair and browse through Made in Oklahoma products, arts and crafts, baked goods, livestock…
Rose District Farmers Market (Rose District Plaza - Broken Arrow) Thru Sat, Oct 26th Start Time: 8:00am different music, events, and guests, each week
ScotFest (Events Park / Rugby Practice - Broken Arrow) 1 day left ScotFest is Oklahoma's flagship celebration of Celtic history and heritage. Held in Broken Arrow's Chisholm…
Second Saturday Architecture Tour (Tulsa) Take a fun and educational walking tour through downtown Tulsa the second Saturday of each month with the Tulsa Foundation…
Shamarr Allen w/ Count TuTu (The Shrine - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm
Street Car Take Over (Tulsa Raceway Park - Tulsa) Start Time: 11:00am
Summer Wave (Blackbird On Pearl - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm
Tour de Cowtown (Downtown - Coweta) Tour de Cowtown offers a one-of-kind experience that will take cyclists past the Coweta Fall Festival's Ferris wheel,…
🍴 University of Tulsa Veteran's Tailgate | TU vs OSU (University of Tulsa - Tulsa) Start Time: 1:00pm Time for the game has not been announced. This event time will change when that information is available. We've got the barbeque and bloody mary bar...
🎡 Tulsa Wicked Wine Run (Post Oak Lodge - Tulsa) Start Time: 3:30pm Run wicked, rock out, drink wine! Join us for a 5K Run or 1K Walk fueled by WINE with an epic Festival featuring rocking' LIVE MUSIC, tasty FOOD TRUCKS, vendors, contests, games and MORE. All at stunning Post Oak Lodge.

Sunday, Sep 15th

American Miniature Horse Registry National Show (Expo Square - Tulsa) Last Day The American Miniature Horse Registry and American Shetland Pony Club are bringing their National Show to Tulsa’s Expo…
Bob Dylan: Face Value and Beyond (The Gilcrease Museum - Tulsa) Start Time: 10:00am A new exhibition, Bob Dylan: Face Value and Beyond, begins May 10 at Tulsa's acclaimed Gilcrease Museum. Curated by The Bob Dylan Archive®, the...
🎓 Bounce'n Beethovens (Owasso Library - Owasso) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Start Time: 6:30pm Children and parents explore music through movement and instruments as they play with egg shakers, bells, rhythm sticks, drums and maracas in this fun, interactive program. Registration is required as class size is limited. Register online or call 918-549-7323. Please register for only one Bounce'n Beethovens class per month. For ages birth-5.…
🎭 Creations in Studio K (Tulsa Ballet - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Tulsa Ballet presents "Creations in Studio K," an annual series of new works created by…
Oklahoma Gun Show (Expo Square - Tulsa) Day 2 of 2 The Oklahoma Gun Show at Expo Square in Tulsa is sure to have the products you are looking for with a wide selection of…
🎨 Picasso at the Lapin Agile (Theatre Tulsa - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Start Time: 8:00pm Presented By: Theatre Tulsa From the imagination of Steve Martin comes a comedy as profound as it is hilarious. Before achieving their breakthroughs, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso meet at the Lapin Agile in Paris. There they debate ideas large and small, while a host of colorful characters help the two geniuses uncover their creative potential.
Rogers County Free Fair (Claremore Expo Center - Claremore) Last Day Come to the Rogers County Free Fair and browse through Made in Oklahoma products, arts and crafts, baked goods, livestock…
ScotFest (Events Park / Rugby Practice - Broken Arrow) Last Day ScotFest is Oklahoma's flagship celebration of Celtic history and heritage. Held in Broken Arrow's Chisholm…
🏃 Zach Monaghan Memorial 5K (Union High School Track - Tulsa) 3:00 pm - 5k Start 3:45 pm - Fun Run Start 4:15 pm - Awards Ceremony The course will be on the Union High School Campus and surrounding neighborhood. The run will finish on the track. The course will be a mix of asphalt, grass, and track. There may be vehicles on the course so participants need to be aware of their surroundings. There…

Monday, Sep 16th

🎓 Bounce'n Beethovens (Owasso Library - Owasso) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Start Time: 6:30pm Children and parents explore music through movement and instruments as they play with egg shakers, bells, rhythm sticks, drums and maracas in this fun, interactive program. Registration is required as class size is limited. Register online or call 918-549-7323. Please register for only one Bounce'n Beethovens class per month. For ages birth-5.…
🎭 Creations in Studio K (Tulsa Ballet - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Tulsa Ballet presents "Creations in Studio K," an annual series of new works created by…
Fiction Addiction Book Club (Owasso Library - Owasso) Start Time: 6:00pm Love talking about books? So do we! Join us to discuss "The Book of Unknown Americans" by Cristina Henriquez. Registration is required. Register online at https://events.tulsalibrary.org/event/3075397 or call 918-549-7323.
🎭 From Page to Play: Translating Thoreau's Walden into a Videogame (University of Tulsa - Tulsa) Start Time: 7:00am
🎭 Open Mic (Blackbird On Pearl - Tulsa) Start Time: 8:00pm
Papa Chubby (The Shrine - Tulsa) Start Time: 6:00pm
🎨 Picasso at the Lapin Agile (Theatre Tulsa - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Start Time: 8:00pm Presented By: Theatre Tulsa From the imagination of Steve Martin comes a comedy as profound as it is hilarious. Before achieving their breakthroughs, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso meet at the Lapin Agile in Paris. There they debate ideas large and small, while a host of colorful characters help the two geniuses uncover their creative potential.

Tuesday, Sep 17th

🎓 Bounce'n Beethovens (Owasso Library - Owasso) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Start Time: 6:30pm Children and parents explore music through movement and instruments as they play with egg shakers, bells, rhythm sticks, drums and maracas in this fun, interactive program. Registration is required as class size is limited. Register online or call 918-549-7323. Please register for only one Bounce'n Beethovens class per month. For ages birth-5.…
🎭 Creations in Studio K (Tulsa Ballet - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Tulsa Ballet presents "Creations in Studio K," an annual series of new works created by…
🍴 Jazz Night (The Gilcrease Museum - Tulsa) Start Time: 5:30pm This quarter’s Jazz Night will feature Devre Jackson in our beautiful Vista Room. The evening will also offer a buffet dinner from The Restaurant at Gilcrease ($8), cash bar and our galleries open late until 8 p.m. No reservations required. Free for Gilcrease Museum members and free with paid admission for non-members. For more information,…
🎓 Oklahoma Municipal League 2019 Annual Conference (Cox Business Center - Tulsa) Thru Thu, Sep 19th Start Time: 8:00am
♪ Open Jam Aka Community Sound (Blackbird On Pearl - Tulsa) Start Time: 9:00pm
🎨 Picasso at the Lapin Agile (Theatre Tulsa - Tulsa) Thru Sun, Sep 22nd Start Time: 8:00pm Presented By: Theatre Tulsa From the imagination of Steve Martin comes a comedy as profound as it is hilarious. Before achieving their breakthroughs, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso meet at the Lapin Agile in Paris. There they debate ideas large and small, while a host of colorful characters help the two geniuses uncover their creative potential.

Ongoing

♪ Concerts in the Park (Yukon City Park, Freedom Trail Park & Chisholm Trail Park - Yukon) Thru Thu, Aug 18th Enjoy free concerts every Thursday during the summer months in Yukon. Concerts in the Park, held in Yukon's…
Edmond Historic Tours (Downtown Edmond Community Center - Edmond) Thru Sat, Dec 31st Join experts with the Edmond Historic Preservation Trust to learn something new with a downtown tour of historic Edmond.…
🎨 Matisse in His Time: Masterworks of Modernism Exhibit (Oklahoma City Museum of Art) Day 2 of 2 For the first time in history, “Matisse in His Time: Masterworks of Modernism from the Centre Pompidou,…
Victorian Walk (Downtown Historical District - Guthrie) Thru Sat, Dec 31st Guthrie has long been a destination for fans of Victorian architecture and with this lovely holiday walking tour, you…

Wednesday, Jul 27th

♪ 2x4 with I Am (89th Street Collective) Start Time: 5:30pm 2X4 I AM Held Down SHAME SLEDGE Home Grown Terror DeadBeat
The 44th Annual Prix de West Invitational Art Exhibition & Sale (Western Heritage Museum) Day 1 of 2 ** The 44th Annual Prix de West Invitational Art Exhibition & Sale **
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Open to the Public with Museum admission. Be the first to experience more than 300 new Western paintings and sculpture by the finest contemporary Western artists in the nation when the doors open an hour early on June 10, 9:00 a.m. The National Cowboy & Western…
Acrylic paintings by Linda Hiller (50 Penn Art Gallery) *Acrylic paintings by Linda Hiller, *through August 31st. 50 Penn
Art Gallery, 1900 NW Expressway. There will be an opening
reception at 6 p.m. Friday (July 8th) 848-5567.
🍴 Anthem Drown Night! (HiLo Club) Our local friends at Anthem Brewing Co. have some great beers! Every Wednesday night from 9pm to close enjoy $8 Drown Night! Their Power Pils will be flowing!
⚾ Arabian Horse Association Youth Nationals (Oklahoma State Fair Park) Thru Sat, Jul 30th The Youth National Arabian & Half-Arabian Championship Horse Show is the culmination of all these youth exhibitors hard work as they compete for National titles over a week period in a variety of classes. Classes will range in every discipline from English pleasure to working cow horse, to driving and more; showing the versatility of the Arabian…
🏃 Arcadia Lake Splash-N-Dash (Spring Creek Park, Arcadia Lake - Edmond) This is a free to enter social Spalsh-n-Dash. We'll have a gun start and a clock at the finish line, with give-aways for those that cross the line.
Have youngsters interested in multi-sport? We will also have a kids event!
Bring family and friends, there will be hotdogs and other fun things going on after the event.
bARTer opening rec (Current Studio) bARTer
This exhibition asks patrons to consider the value of art. At bARTer, you can buy art with anything, except money. Anyone with an interesting object, desirable skill, or simply an active imagination has a chance of acquiring a piece of art. Opening party July 7, 6-9 pm. Exhibition and bidding continue through July 28.
Current…
Beyond - featuring the works of AK Westerman (Graphite) Thru Sat, Jul 30th Start Time: 7:00pm
Big Game w/Alex Sanchez Goes Bananas Presented by: Black Mesa Brewing Co. (Opolis - Norman) Start Time: 8:00pm Alex Sanchez hosts the Bananas Edition of BIG GAME, A live game show experience!
Your celebrity judge is, The Devil!
Bi-Weekly Meetup (51st st. Speakeasy) Last Day Start Time: 5:00pm
♪ Bleep Bloop (Kamps 1310 Lounge) Start Time: 9:00pm musical world is one of stripped back, bass-heavy beats paired with stark, surreal soundscapes. Aggressive and off the wall sounds weave in and out of heavy drums as he blends genre's into a low frequency style that works as well at a festival as it does in your headphones. Bleep Bloop has earned the support of distinguished artists such as DJ…
Bleep Bloop (Kamp's Deli)
"Brushstroke Dreams" exhibit by Brad Price (The Depot - Norman) Brad Price Fills Depot Gallery with “Brushstroke Dreams”
NORMAN... The bold brushstrokes and bright colors in expressionist paintings by local artist Brad Price will fill The Depot Gallery with “Brushstroke Dreams” from July 8 through August 29, 2016. An opening reception will be held in conjunction with the 2nd Friday Art Walk…
Del City Kiwanis Club (Rose State College - Midwest City)
Disturbed/Breaking Benjamin $25 Special Ends Soon (Zoo Amphitheatre) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 1:00pm $25 GA LAWN TIX FOR KATTFEST 2016 DISTURBED, BREAKING BENJAMIN, ALTER BRIDGE & SAINT ASONIA AUGUST 11, 2016 OFFER ENDS 7/31 BUY FOR LESS - 866-977-6849 WWW.THEZOOAMPHITHEATRE.COM
⚾ Oklahoma City Dodgers vs Memphis Redbirds (Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark) Thru Fri, Jul 29th Come experience America's favorite pastime in downtown Oklahoma City as the Oklahoma City Dodgers take on the…
Drawing in the Prix de West Galleries (Western Heritage Museum) Day 1 of 2 June 10
“Drawing in the *Prix de West *Galleries” art students with a valid student ID are invited to draw in the galleries, June 10 – August 7, 10:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. For more information: Nationalcowboymuseum.org, (405) 478-2250.
🎨 Exhibtion: Lowell Ellsworth Smith: My Theology of Painting (Western Heritage Museum) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 10:00am **Lowell Ellsworth Smith: My Theology of Painting **
Ohio watercolorist and Prix de West winner, Lowell Ellsworth Smith (1924-2011), once referenced his *theology of painting *during an interview. Short but meaningful, the phrase summarized his relationship with art. It was more than a hobby or pastime. More than a career. It was the lens…
🏃 Family Yoga Night (Noble Public Library - Noble) Start Time: 6:30pm Cooperative event with Shannon Scott. Please join the Noble Public Library and Shannon Scott for Family Yoga Night, every Wednesday. For more information please contact Shannon Scott -- [email protected] (405) 517-9605
Ferry Fun Cruises (Oklahoma River Cruises) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 11:30am With four river landings, it's easy travel the Oklahoma River. Learn more about each of the landings and where they're located.
The ferry transit schedule varies throughout the season.
*** Purchase your tickets onboard**
**Trip times in black are 1 hr 40 min round trip*
*** Theme Cruises are on all evening service departures the last…
🎭 Fiddler on the Roof (Civic Center Music Hall) Thru Sat, Jul 30th Visit Oklahoma City's Civic Center Music Hall for Lyric Theatre's adaptation of "Fiddler on the Roof."…
🎭 The Fiddler on the Roof presented by Lyric Theatre of OK (Civic Center Music Hall) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 7:30pm Celebrate family and tradition with Tevye in one of the most beloved musicals of all time! You’ll enjoy classics such as “Sunrise, Sunset”, “If I Were A Rich Man,” and “Matchmaker” in this brand new production.
This production will incorporate American Sign Language and Deaf Culture. Deaf actors Sandra Mae Frank -Hodel and…
🎨 Guerrilla Art Park (Oklahoma Contemporary) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 11:00am Artists: Apply to be part of our first installment of Guerrilla Art Park - an outdoor sculpture exhibition near our Showroom on the site of our future arts campus. We are accepting submissions now through the month of May, and planning to install in June - it's going to be a lightning-fast operation, but we are excited to activate the…
♪ Harumph (The Deli - Norman) Start Time: 7:00pm
Hospice Volunteer Opportunities (New Century Hospice, Inc.) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 9:00am The services you will give as a Hospice volunteer will profoundly improve the quality of our patient's lives. Friendly visits enable families to keep their loved ones at home, around the people they love, and the things they love. Assisting with errands helps a tired family cope with their many challenges and allows them time with their loved…
🍴 Luau Cocktail Cruise (Oklahoma River Cruises) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 5:00pm Join Oklahoma River Cruises for a night of Hawaiian themed tunes and beautiful views, enough to make even Don Ho jealous! Purchase tickets onboard no reservations needed.
Date: July 15, 16, 22, 23, 29, 30
Location: Departing Exchange, Bricktown and Regatta landings
View the Ferry Schedule online for departure times and landing locations.…
🎨 Monthly Film Screening (IAO Gallery) Start Time: 7:00pm IAO is excited to announce a monthly film screening program. These screenings will have featured works invited by our film committee, as well as an open screening. Filmmakers are invited to bring 5-10 minutes of work to show for feedback and discussion. This event is free and open to the public.
♪ Music Together Classes by Gracenote Family Music (Tealridge Retirement Community - Edmond) Start Time: 10:45am Early childhood Music Together classes are internationally recognized for infants, toddlers, preschoolers, kindergartners and the adults who love them. The classes are created from a research-based, developmentally appropriate early childhood music curriculum that strongly emphasizes and facilitates adults involvement. This Mixed-Age Class is…
Okietales (Oklahoma History Center) Start Time: 10:30am Mark your calendars and bring the little ones for a special program exploring Oklahoma’s past. Each Wednesday in June and July from 10:30 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. the History Center hosts Okietales. Okietales is a one-of-a-kind reading and storytelling time where kids can hear and see history! Every Wednesday we will dive into history with books and…
🎓 Oklahoma Grocers Super Tradeshow (Cox Convention Center) Start Time: 10:00am The Oklahoma Grocers Association, Oklahoma Petroleum Marketers Association and Oklahoma Wholesale Marketers Association are joining together to present a large buying show opportunity. We will have seminars focusing on employee relations and innovative practices to improve profit margins of your convenience store. Vendors will have "show…
♪ Our City, Our Collection (Oklahoma City Museum of Art) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 10:00am In celebration of the many extraordinary acquisitions that have made the Oklahoma City Museum of Art the premiere collecting institution in central Oklahoma, the exhibition Our City, Our Collection: Building the Museum’s Lasting Legacy tells the story of the Museum’s history as a series of transformative gifts, bequests and…
🏃 Plaza Beer Walk (Plaza District) Start Time: 5:00pm Plaza District restaurants are excited to announce our latest monthly event: The Plaza Beer Walk! Taking place on the last Wednesday of each month, the Beer Walk will wind its way through The Mule, Saints, Empire Slice House, and Oak & Ore, featuring a lineup of delicious craft beer from a different brewery each time. Donations will be collected…
⚾ Remix - Getaway Giveaways (Remington Park)
Research Center Book Sale (Oklahoma History Center) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 10:00pm The Oklahoma Historical Society Research Center will hold a summer book sale July 27-30. Shop rare and out-of-print books about genealogy, military history, Oklahoma history, literature, and more. The sale will include records, periodicals, and prints of historic maps and photos. Open 10am to 5pm on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday; hours are…
Sign the medical Marijuana Petition (NW Expressway and Meridian - Warr Acres) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 7:00am Oklahomans for Health is a non-profit organization running an initiative petition to legalize medical marijuana in Oklahoma. Sign the petition today! Go to ok4health.org to learn more!
🎨 SONIC Summer Movies: Spiderman (Myriad Botanical Gardens) Start Time: 8:00pm FREE ADMISSION thanks to Sonic Drive-In Costumes ALWAYS encouraged! “SpiderMan” centers on student Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) who, after being bitten by a genetically-altered spider, gains superhuman strength and the spider-like ability to cling to any surface. He vows to use his abilities to fight crime, coming to understand the words of…
Spiderman (2002) (Myriad Botanical Gardens) Start Time: 8:00pm
🎨 Summer Wheat: Everything Under the Sun (Oklahoma Contemporary) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 9:00am Step into another world where Summer Wheat explores an extensive portrayal of what she imagines to be behind the wall in Vermeer’s historical painting, *The Milk Maid. *Wheat will create an immersive, site-specific experience which includes painting, sculpting, architecture, and installation. The exhibit and artist-in-residency will serve as…
Sundressed et al. (First Pastafarian Church - Norman)
🍴 Sunset Specialty Cruise (July) (Oklahoma River Cruises) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 8:00pm Relax and recharge on the deck in the fresh Oklahoma breeze or inside the climate-controlled cabin while on an hour and a half sunset cruise enjoying music, appetizers and soda. Cruise times vary by season. A cash bar is available on board.
Dates: July 15, 22, 29
Location: Exchange Landing 1503 Exchange Ave. 73108
Tickets: $35 / person…
😂 The Swinger David Scott (Loony Bin Comedy Club) Thru Sat, Jul 30th
🍴 Voter Records Lunch & Learn (Oklahoma History Center) Start Time: 11:30am Join the OHS Research Center for a Lunch & Learn Lecture exploring election and voter registration records. Everyone who votes in Oklahoma uses the same type of ballot scanned by the same type of machine and counted by the same kind of computer in every county. Bryan Dean will enlighten us about today’s voter registration process as well as…

Thursday, Jul 28th

The 44th Annual Prix de West Invitational Art Exhibition & Sale (Western Heritage Museum) Day 2 of 2 ** The 44th Annual Prix de West Invitational Art Exhibition & Sale **
**
**
Open to the Public with Museum admission. Be the first to experience more than 300 new Western paintings and sculpture by the finest contemporary Western artists in the nation when the doors open an hour early on June 10, 9:00 a.m. The National Cowboy & Western…
⚾ Arabian Horse Association Youth Nationals (Oklahoma State Fair Park) Thru Sat, Jul 30th The Youth National Arabian & Half-Arabian Championship Horse Show is the culmination of all these youth exhibitors hard work as they compete for National titles over a week period in a variety of classes. Classes will range in every discipline from English pleasure to working cow horse, to driving and more; showing the versatility of the Arabian…
🎓 Astonomy Night in the Gardens sponsored by Tinker Federal Credit Union (Myriad Botanical Gardens) Start Time: 8:30pm Great Lawn FREE Back by popular demand, members of the OKC Astronomy Club and their telescopes will be returning to the Gardens for summer nights filled with star gazing. Come check out the moon, stars, and planets from our Great Lawn.
Beyond - featuring the works of AK Westerman (Graphite) Thru Sat, Jul 30th Start Time: 7:00pm
Blink 182 (Chesapeake Energy Arena) Start Time: 7:00pm Join an assortment of pop punk and rock bands as they take over Chesapeake Energy Arena on their 2016 summer tour.…
♪ Brandon Jackson (Wormy Dog Saloon) Start Time: 9:30pm
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Friday, Jul 29th

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Saturday, Jul 30th

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Sunday, Jul 31st

The 1975 et al. (Zoo Amphitheatre)
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Monday, Aug 1st

Drown Night at Saints (Plaza District) Start Time: 8:00pm All you can drink Anthem beer for $8 starting at 8pm.
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Tuesday, Aug 2nd

Oh, Sleeper (89th Street Collective)
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[Table] I am a high limit table games (baccarat, blackjack, craps, roulette) dealer in Las Vegas Part 2. AMA!

Verified? (This bot cannot verify AMAs just yet)
Date: 2013-01-23
Link to submission (Has self-text)
Link to my post

Questions	Answers
Have you ever caught anyone cheating? Ever see someone cheating and not report it?	I have caught people cheating before yes. The most common are card counters and people stealing chips from other players. I highly recommend to not get completely trashed while gambling especially if you're a male and gambling by yourself as there are certain females who'd be more than happy to steal your chips while you're not paying attention.
	The only time I won't report cheating is when they're tipping. If they're a douchebag or stiff, I'll let my Pit Boss know immediately.
	Here's an interesting article on cheating in Vegas by the way.
How can you call card counting cheating?	Vegas has very liberal rules to their blackjack games compared to other cities that have casinos. Vegas offers double deck, stand on all 17s, moving down shuffle points, etc.
	I don't consider card counting cheating, but the casinos do. They are a private business. They can kick anyone off of the property for any reason unless it's illegal discrimination. The casinos don't want players to have an advantage over them.
	To be honest Vegas casinos don't care about card counting unless you're playing on a double deck. You want to play a six or eight deck shoe? It's all yours. But they want no advantage players on a double deck.
You won't report cheating if you are getting tipped, but you will report it if you don't?	I'm talking about card counting. Most card counters are douchebags because they already think they're smartemore arrogant than everyone else though so it's very rare that I'll keep my mouth shut.
We don't consider card counters cheating. We just refuse service to those who can count.	I think you're mixing up "card counting" with actually counting cards.
Who sets the specific rules of the game for say Blackjack, such as how many decks, what the little pre bet rules are, etc? Is there like a standard across Vegas? When would they ever be using a double deck?	It depends on the casino and what type of clientele they cater to.
	Certain higher end casinos will have better rules for the player while the lower end casinos will have terrible house rules.
I am not a professional card counter just good at math, what are the specific rules that you keep the deck even?	Link to en.wikipedia.org.
	The most basic system is the Hi-Lo card counting system.
	10, J, Q, K, & A = -1.
	2, 3, 4, 5, 6 = +1.
	7, 8, 9 = 0.
	With enough practice, you'll be able to figure out the count in real time.
My casino doesn't consider card counting cheating 1) because it's next to impossible to prove & 2) because with a 6 deck shoe it gives negligible advantage. i'm relatively sure that very few casinos if any consider card counting cheating.	Casinos (should) only care if you're card counting on double deck.
It seems like being able to call the odds is just part of the game and what it means to be skilled at it. I don't see how that can be called cheating.	Card counting is a dying art now anyways. With the technology casinos have their disposal, card counters can't get away with it anymore.
Can a card counter win while playing single deck?	You could, but it would be more luck than skill. Most casinos only allow 6 hands to be dealt on a single deck. Not a lot of hands to make a move imo.
I work in a casino in Melbourne Australia. . 6 deck automatic shuffler where the cards are fed back in whenever there is roughly a deck out. . and people have still tried. . its quite funny.	Seems legit.
	It's such a waste of time to try and count cards. I never gamble, but this is what I do...go with friends, get completely smashed, expect to lose the money, and have a good time.
What was the biggest tip you have ever gotten from someone?	The biggest tip I received was $250,000 from a customer. He won $10 million playing baccarat.
What is the usual tips you get from the players?	The usual tips? Most of the time I've dealt on a $100-$500 blackjack game. I'll usually make a couple hundred from each player give or take. I'll usually make 1-5 units of whatever they're playing with whether it'd be $5 chips, $25 chips, $100 chips or $500.
Do you get to keep all that?	I wish. We pool our tips every 24 hours and everyone gets a share of it. I ended up making $1000 that night. We never make money like that so don't think this is a normal occurrence for us.
	I did meet up with the customer at the strip club when I got off of work. One of the most amazing nights I've ever had.
Should have told him to keep it and tip you later that night at the club. Rookie mistake.	My regular customers do when I go to dinner or go out with them.
Are you allowed to keep all of that tip, or do they take a cut/something else?	We pool all of our tips every 24 hours so I did split it with everyone else.
How was your reaction at the table when recieving a $250,000 tip?	It threw me off. I thought he wanted change at first, but then again it was 10 $25,000 chips.
Let me get the details.	Customer paid for everything. Ended up spending about $50,000 that night mainly on alcohol. Never drank so much champagne in my life.
Could you theoretically tell the big winner to tip you when you're off the clock and keep the $250k for yourself?	I wouldn't because I would lose my job as it would be considered "hard hustling".
You had to share that with over 250 people?	The big casinos on the Strip have a lot of dealers in a 24 hour shift.
	At Cosmo, on the weekdays there are about 150 dealers in a 24 hour shift. On the weekends, it can be close to 250-300 dealers and Cosmo is a small casino compared to the rest.
Does this violate any policy the casino might have about interacting with customers?	Technically no. The only thing the casino reminds you is to not be seen gambling with the customer at other casinos and that you're still responsible for your own actions.
You must have been real popular that night.	Bitches love money especially strippers.
Yeah I notice whenever I tip a dealer he/she puts in a slot, so I was thinking how would they know how much each dealer got,	Regardless, it's still the right thing to do if they're providing you a service. Thanks for tipping :)
I'm curious. Since on a night where you received an exorbitant tip and only made $1,000, what is your average tip out per day/week/weekend? Also, what is the largest amount that you yourself have walked out with in a single night? Are you tipped out daily, or is it added to your paycheck? If it is done by paycheck; largest tip out at the end of a paycheck?	At the big casinos (Wynn/Encore, Cosmopolitan, Aria, Caesars) the dealers usually make $150-$200 a night during the weekdays. On the weekends, they'll make around $200-$300+.
	The medium casinos (Bellagio, Planet Hollywood, Paris, Mandalay Bay, MGM Grand) will make around $120-$150 during the weekdays, $150-$200 on the weekends.
	I personally can't accept tips while at work. Outside of work, regular customers would throw me some extra cash on the side on top of whatever they gave me at the table while they were playing. The most someone gave me outside of work was $1000. It was a regular customer.
Of all the celebrity players you've dealt to, which one seemed the most genuine and cool person to interact with.	Coolest would easily be Matt Schaub. 99% of athletes are douchebags, but he's super nice and super cool. Awesome tipper too. Down to earth and extremely humble. Runners up goes to Chris Evans. Captain America can't handle his alcohol and is an arrogant prick too. "Do you know who the fuck I am?" was probably his most overheard line while I was dealing to him. 2nd runners up goes to Chef Tim Love. He's a stiff and a cry baby. Constantly boasts about all the $10,000 bottles of wine he drinks.
Who was the worst and why?	Ironically the worst would be Will Farrell. The guy is a huge asshole when he's gambling and the camera's off. Huge prick.
As a huge Redskins fan, I notice DeAngelo Hall has some attitude issues on the field. Was he any nicer when you dealt to him?	Really nice guy. From my experience, he plays by himself and doesn't have a huge entourage like most athletes do. Even when he loses, he doesn't have an attitude problem.
That's pretty disappointing. Will Farrell is one of my favorite actors and I always assumed he'd be a cool, down to earth guy off-camera. Oh well, it's not like I'll ever see him in real life anyway. But if I do, I'll know to punch him in the balls.	You know who is also a cool guy that surprised me? Rush Limbaugh.
	The guy is an awesome tipper and kind of cool to talk to even though he's an extreme right-winger.
If a celebrity ever said "Do you know who the fuck I am?", I would instantly say something along the lines "Why should I give a fuck who you are?"	I pretty much said that to Chris Evans every time he said that.
Maybe in public but go have dinner with his family in Springfield, MO-- Racial slurs everywhere!	Any stories you'd like to tell me?
What was your impression of D Rose?	Derrick Rose is a cool guy. Played a little bit of blackjack and roulette with Durant.
	Hope is ACL is good to go now :(
Doesn't Tebow know gambling is a sin???	I wasn't going to ask him that especially with the Broncos offensive line surrounding him.
How many times have you heard someone say 'Vegas baby!' or 'you're so money' when Vince Vaughn was at the tables?	Never.
	You know what I hear the most and is like nails on a chalkboard for casino employees?
	"WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!"
I am going to go to every single casino and scream winner winner chicken dinner. When I finally get punched in the face I'll know it's you. Then we can go party with some celebs at the strip club. Deal?	Seems legit.
Do you get the asians who yell monkey who want a 10 in blackjack? It seems like 90% of asians in the casino I frequent do this.	Gamblers scream out monkey regardless of their race. White, black, asian, spanish, etc.
Whats the most money you've seen lost by one person in a day?	Craps - $5 million.
	Blackjack - $5 million.
	Baccarat - $10 million.
	European Roulette - $2 million.
Just out of my own curiousity, was it an asian person that lost $10 million on baccarat?	You are correct. A Chinese businessman to be exact.
Holy shit that's crazy! How often do you see someone lose money in the millions?	I deal to million dollar players quite often. But getting their ass handed to them? Not that often. I want to say like every 3-4 weeks.
	Players win often and players do lose often, but it's rare to see them tap their line.
What's the usual reaction when someone loses money > million?	I've seen customers smash glasses, break things, punch the wall, punch the roulette readerboard, etc. They usually keep their cool most of the time, but once in a while...
	"OMG WTF ARE YOU KIDDING? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING DUDEITSPANDA! THIS IS SOME FUCKING BULLSHIT. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS JUST HAPPENED TO ME. YOU ARE THE WORST DEALER EVER. YOU GIVE ME THE WORST FUCKING HANDS ON BLACKJACK. WHY DO I EVEN PLAY THIS STUPID FUCKING GAME!!!"
WHY DO I EVEN PLAY THIS STUPID FUCKING GAME!!!	Most players like to play Captain Obvious or Captain Hindsight.
Maybe the only important thought the person should be considering. Hah.	"DAMN IT I SHOULDN'T HAVE BET THAT MUCH. DAMN IT I SHOULD HAVE BET MORE!"
Heh, I've seen that happen at the $5 tables in Indian casinos in Michigan while waiting for a seat in the poker room.	I usually just giggle whenever a $5-$10 players loses $100-$200 bucks.
	"Is it really the end of the world losing $200?" is typically what I tell them.
How are high-limit dealers paid? Salaried? Benefits? Would you be willing to say how much (ballpark) high-stakes dealers make in a year? what about low-stakes? Are dealers allowed to gamble in the casino they work for? Thanks, this is a sweet AmA.	Dealers are paid the same regardless of what games they play and it's minimum wage. Yes you heard it...casinos only pay us minimum wage. We rely completely on tips.
	Casinos are normally run businesses so full time employees are offered insurance, 401k, vacation time, etc.
	Dealers are NOT allowed to gamble in the casino they work for. It's mainly to prevent collusion. Dealers are allowed to play slots in the casino they work for, but cannot play anything with a progressive jackpot (Megabucks, Wheel of Fortune, etc.). Dealers are allowed to play whatever they want in any other casino.
I think it's pretty awesome that dealers get a 401k and insurance. That plus the decent money you mentioned below make dealing sound like a pretty awesome job.	It isn't that bad of a job, but dealing to douchebags and degenerates wears on you after a while.
What are the best casinos and hotels in Las Vegas? As in the top 5 casino/hotels? What is your favorite and why?	Wynn Las Vegas/Encore
Oh and why are there hundreds of Mexican people handing out those cards for prostitutes on the street and allowed to just litter the whole strip with them?	The loiters have first amendment rights basically. They changed the law this year so now whenever cards they pass out fall to the ground, they're supposed to pick them up. I was never too happy with the escort ads on the Strip. 1. The girls don't actually provide the service most of the time. They're just there to rip off guys. 2. It puts a negative light on the city.
Thanks for the answer. I was in vegas for about 3 days staying at circus circus (don't laugh) and the first night we walked the whole strip (i had no idea it would take that long) and it really annoyed me to see the streets just littered with the prostitute cards.	We Vegas locals don't like it either trust me. We also don't like those stupid street performers that are on the Strip. The only one that's cool in my book is the guy that will let you kick him in the nuts for $20.
How much do you think the avg "street performer" say for example, the dudes wearing Mario and Luigi costumes r the Tranformer guys would make in a night?	No clue. Maybe get one of them to do an AMA?
This might be a longshot, but one time I was there, there was this older black guy in a motorized chair that had this little speakemic/beatbox thing and would freestyle about you and your group (for a tip) and he was phenominal. It was a hightlight of the trip. I've been back a couple of times and always look for him but never find him. Do you know if he's still around/popular?	Nope. Never seen the guy.
What's your flexibility on game pacing, in Blackjack for example?	There is plenty of flexibility on game pace. Casinos instruct dealers to deal at a moderate pace. Not too fast where you seem like a robot and not slow enough where players will fall asleep at the table.
Tl;dr: does the house allow you to deal fewer hands-per-hour in high-limit? If so, why are some dealers doucheclowns about it?	The best scenario for you if you want to play slightly high limit blackjack are blackjack pits that are outside of high limit. It's basically high limit without the title. They're usually $100 6-deck shoe games that stand on all 17s.
Baccarat, on the other hand... shit, I need a book to pass the time. Whoever installs video poker machines into Baccarat tables is going to make a killing.	Dealers are going to be douchebags no matter what. From my personal experience, if I deal fast...I'm trying to get rid of you.
Though my restaurant right now doesn't have it, we do have tip outs to runner ,bussers and bar. Do any casinos impliment this policy? Do you see yourself making a career out of this?	Casinos have tried to implied a tip out policy as a way to subsidize other wages with dealers tips, but it has failed. Wynn Las Vegas/Encore is in court with the dealers right now over it. Wynn won initially, but it got overturned and looks to stay that way. I don't see myself making a career out of it. Casinos are now run by corporations. The way they treat their employees is ridiculous. They show no dedication to us.
In your opinion - what's the best strategy for Craps?	Pass line with full odds. Come bets with full odds as well.
Pass line bets and taking odds on it after the come out? Boxcars, Snake Eyes, Big 6's, Horn High Yo's?	You can place bet, but the edge is still high for the house.
I'm curious too hear what a dealer thinks about this.	Stay away from the prop box at all times. The only time I'll mess around with the prop box is if I throw let's say $1 hardways and ask to parlay at least once if it hits.
Do you know of other dealers who have ever completely lost their cool at a high risk table when either a large amount of money has come into play, or some big time celebrity has come to their table?	Happens all the time. I've seen dealers sweat profusely like they just finished doing cardio on the treadmill, seen dealers completely freeze up or seen dealers crack under the pressure.
	I've seen a couple get in trouble because they tried to take a picture with them after they go on break. That's a huge no-no.
Are the high limit tables the most desirable tables to work? Are dealers sometimes reprimanded by removing them from a high limit table and placing them at a low limit table? (similar to getting a shitty section in a restaurant/bar)	Physically yes. You'll most likely be on a reserved game. The customer doesn't play the majority of the time while you're on shift. So instead of dealing for 8 hours straight, in high limit you might deal one or two hours. The rest of the time you're just hanging out and watching whatever they have on the TV.
Are you a gambler yourself? If so, has working as a dealer improved your game any?	Dealers do get reprimanded and sometimes even get kicked out of high limit for a extended period of time. It has never happened to me, but one day you'll see a dealer dealing to a BIG player. They make a huge mistake and the next day they're on casino war or the Big 6 wheel.
They make a huge mistake.	In the business we call it a jackpot. Jackpot is basically a small mistake that turns into a big mistake.
Like what?	Dealer make mistakes all the time. Wrong payout, messed on the procedure, etc.
What route would you recommend for anyone wanting to get into working as a dealer? Can you give us a brief outline of your rise to the high stakes table?	Go to a dealers school. Learn the basics of dealing, handling chips and game protection. I learned blackjack and craps. It takes about four-eight weeks depending on how fast of a learner you are and how often you show up to school to practice. It took me about five weeks.
	Once you're sufficient enough, you can apply to audition at a low end casino also known as a "break in house." Historically, casinos Downtown such as the El Cortez are well known break in houses for new dealers. Shitty local casinos are also considered break in houses as well. You don't make any money, but it doesn't matter. The whole point is to get experience dealing on a real live game.
	While you're dealing at the break in house, you can learn how to deal all the other games. That's how I learned baccarat and roulette. Once you get enough experience, you start trying to move to better casinos until eventually you get a good, full time job on the Strip.
How long did it take you to move up from a "break in house" to the limelight on the Strip? What's the average?	For most dealers it takes forever. They don't have the skill set or have the connections...aka "juice" as we call it in the business.
	It only took me about two-three years, but for most it can take from five-ten years.
I love playing blackjack at the El Cortez! $5, single deck, 3:2 games.	El Cortez is fun. I love hanging out at the bars next to it.
"You don't make any money"... can you give us a ballpark on what you made at the break-in and how much you make now, including tips?	Break-in dealers barely make $30,000 a year.
Wow, that's a long time to work your way up to a (relatively) low paying job. You said in an earlier reply that high end dealers only make $200-$300 on a weekend night, right? I made close to that in my first bartending gig when I was still in college.	You're probably right. But like I told you, the best dealer jobs pay around $85k a year. It's about $325 a day give or take.
What would you say set you apart from the other dealers? Are you more talented (by which I mean you're just naturally smartebetter) or is it a difference in work ethic or what? If it's a work ethic thing, do you think that had you applied yourself to something else with the same level of dedication you could have succeeded, or have you just been in the right place at the right time consistently?	Glad that you enjoyed the AMA.
Also, as someone who generally does not like AMAs in the last ~2 years, yours has been both informative and interesting. Cheers.	What sets me apart from most dealers is that I have the skill to deal the games properly while being quick on my feet with calculations and knowing what the players feelings are like at the time. Sometimes dealers can talk to the players while sometimes players just want you to shut up and deal. Just got to know when the situation is right for certain things.
Ever seen a grown man cry?	Yes. It's pathetic that a guy can guy from gambling, but yes I have.
Ever hear about someone killing themselves after walking away from your table?	Yes. I tell them they're full of shit which they are 99.9% of the time. They're desperate for attention after they lose.
How funny was Will Ferrel?	Not funny. I was expecting Elf or Stepbrothers, but got Casa de Mi Padre.
Could you tell us how the upper management of the casino works? I guess start with the dealers. I know you guys have pit bosses, but then who is above them? Who reports to who? Who is in contact with the surveillance room? I don't care about the hotel management.	Dealers report to Floor Supervisors. Floor supervisors report to Pit Boss. Pit Boss reports to Shift Manager. Shift Manager reports to Table Games Director.
Did you ever get beat up by joey porter at applebees?	For those that don't know, here's my interaction with Joey Porter.
	I haven't got jumped by Joey Porter...yet. He liked me and other dealers on his game that night. I think he still wants to beat the shit out of my shift boss and pit boss. My shift boss still hasn't eaten at a Applebee's or even a Chili's yet since then.
Yo, man. I been looking for you!	DO YOU EVEN LIFT BRO?
How was Joe Flacco?	He was cool. Not a big player. Kept asking me where he can find a $15 blackjack game haha.
NBA fan here. Did you have any memorable interactions with either James, Wade, or Durant? How was Derrick Rose?	No real memorable interactions. I just loved busting LeBron's balls before he got his first ring.
	I remember before Derrick Rose got serious media attention, I remember telling him two years ago "I like how you're an amazing basketball player, but no one recognizes you right now". Not the case now.
	Kevin Durant is a nice guy.
Have you seen or heard of any casinos that actually rig games?	Nope. Even though most casino managers are idiots in my opinion, they wouldn't be stupid enough to rig a game. Not only would they would lose their gaming license, the casino would get a huge fine and could possibly lose their license as well.
	One thing I tell players if they're gambling...gamble only if there's a gaming commission. You don't even know how many times I've heard stories of players getting screwed over by Indian casinos or cruise ships because there are no gaming commissions overseeing them.
UK here - what's the deal with Indian casinos? clearly they're less regulated - are native Americans known for running 'shady' joints?	I'm not saying that Indian casinos are completely shady...they just do shady things once in a while when the players aren't noticing it.
I always wondered how casino workers were able to handle working in a smoking environment all day. Is there a high rate of respiratory problems with casino workers? Tips for dealing with the smoke?	I don't smoke personally. It's brutal. I try to do more cardio than weightlifting to make up for it.
	My allergies have gotten worse since I started dealing. Whenever I'm on a game, I just try to move the ashtrays in a certain position so I don't get hit with all the smoke.
Obvious question--what kind of experience do casinos require before you're given the keys to a high stakes table?	It's mainly just being able to handle the high action. Dealers tend to freeze up a lot when they see big numbers in front of them. It's also being able to control your game regardless of who is playing on it and regardless of how much they're betting.
Do they make you do a whole back ground check and a lie detector test like they show in movies? i know.. stupid question. just curious.	We get background checked when we apply for our gaming card and when we apply for a new job. We also get hair drug tested and have a credit check done as well.
	Casinos only hire employees with good credit. It shows that the employees are responsible with their money and less susceptible to collusion.
I have a strong interest in playing and dealing cards. Have since I was a kid. How much does dealing become a grind as opposed to something you don't mind doing? I haven't hit that point yet dealing in home games.	It honestly becomes a grind the second you start working. It's exciting the first couple of years because you're seeing new bets or action you haven't dealt with yet on the game, but after a while it becomes the same.
Which of the soccer players that you dealt with won the most?	Probably Rooney. I think he won like $300k. Soccer players aren't big gamblers generally. They just like to hang out at the pool, go clubbing once in a while and do a little bit of gambling.
What was Wayne Rooney like in person? He always seems like a dick to me. Also, how much do you earn?	He's a nice guy. Takes pictures with fans and socializes with everyone.
	Dealers at the most popular casinos (Aria, Wynn/Encore, Cosmopolitan, Caesars) can make $80,000+ a year.
	Dealers that work at the medium properties (MGM Grand, Mandalay Bay, Bellagio, Paris, Planet Hollywood) make around $60,000-$80,000 a year.
What is the most you have seen a person win?	$10 million on baccarat. The customer was playing $175,000 a hand on baccarat.
Baccarat didn't seem to big when I was in Vegas a few years ago, has it picked up?	Baccarat has picked up a lot in Vegas. All the big casinos have baccarat now.
I was a dealer in Australia, high stakes as well and the average for some customers was $2000+. Not bragging or anything, just wondering if Vegas is working on getting the Asian baccarat junkets a bit harder these says.	The problem with baccarat junkets is that the players just rotate between casino to casino. They take advantage of baccarat tournaments and whatever promos they have. The junkets technically don't bring in any new business and they get paid a huge chunk of whatever the player's theoretical is.

Last updated: 2013-01-27 19:42 UTC
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