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Long story short, my dad suffered a major stroke 2 years ago which left him bedridden in a nursing home and I rage quit my job 1 year ago. My father lost all his asset gambling in his younger days so he had no asset to his name and I have been living with his two sisters (unmarried, my aunts). Normally I should not have to worried about this, but it turns out my Dad only had $2 in his bank account after gambling the CPF he withdrew at our world class casino. He didn't have much insurance because he cancelled them to save on premiums. For what he had, Aviva denied his claim because they claim he false declared his health status on application (many years ago) and will thus "eat" his premium and terminate the policy. The only thing I managed to claim successfully was the DPS and Eldershield thanks to NTUC, but it was after a lengthy one year process to obtain all the "funny" documents they needed. Apparently taking care of a mentally incapacitated person is harder than taking care of a dead person, thanks to red tapes everywhere. You don't just walk and say, I am the son and expect everything to fall into place. There is no one unified system at all.
Nonetheless, there was a whole lot of drama in the first year of his stroke due to the hospital, social workers and incapable relatives that requires me to attend to every single thing like I own the company, and I can take time off anytime I want to be a good son like on television. Eventually I was so burn out that everything finally forced me to rage quit my job after a falling out with management. Stuck in a contract was horrible enough but they were so eager to take advantage of the fact that I needed the job and money, instead of negotiating properly. I also dropped out of private uni because I needed cash flow to pay for all of my father's bills and that Kaplan was insensitive to my predicament by not allowing partial refund of my paid fees. Instead asking me to pay the full amount again when I am ready to re-module. I didn't take that well, so I did not extend the deferment. Let's not say I did not try to get my degree, ok? My dad rather gamble than fund my studies and when I finally saved enough for further studies, I need to pay for his medical needs. I was screwed over hard, and ultimately no money means no paper degree no matter how talented I may be. I even tried to negotiate with the company to send me for training on company time, but its always no training budget for contract staffs. And then the usual, if you go training on company time, then what we hire you for? During my years in the company, never once was I send for training. When there is a new project, they just hire someone to implement it instead of giving me the opportunity. And when its implemented, I get a few power point slides and magically I'm qualified to support the new system. It really is vomit blood.
Although I was jobless for a year, the nice thing was that I was able to get everything settled personally like the good son I should be. Or at least, I thought it should be. But it turns out that putting him in a nursing home does not entirely resolve me of my problem. He has so many medical appointments that requires me to follow up, and if I don't attend, there are funny cases where medication is missing or not collected from the hospital. Or the appointment rescheduled to another time so I can attend. I don't really know whose fault this is since the excuse I keep hearing is that "Sorry, I don't speak English so I cannot understand", so I need to be the one to take care of everything, because once again... I am the son. This keeps taking up my time and I cannot rid myself of them, so this becomes a problem when I want to find a new job. My education level is only up to Diploma and that limits my options. The roles I quality for are pretty much IT Helpdesk / Technicians which don't really have a work life balance option due to over-outsourcing. Pay wise, they are only around $2.6k and it is pretty much a dead end career, so there is no progression path. Having to pay for my father's needs and eventually his 2 sisters as they get older, with this salary really puts me at a lost.
I have a D7 in O'lv math and that is what really screw me over big time but unless I am really that bad at math, I absolutely do not see how I can start a family (If I even have that option) and take care of everyone with a low salary. The reason I need to take care of his 2 sisters is that they took care of me when my father didn't and they took out their savings to pay off my father's gambling debts, which he didn't even brother returning to them when he withdrew his CPF. Even now, when I am not working, for some strange reasons the government's means testing suggest that I can afford to pay $1200++ a month for my father's nursing home and this is excluding all his other medicines and specialist appointments. He has over 20+ medications and among them are anti depressive pills which I don't even have the luxury of taking. As much as I can, I have tried to make ends mean but at some point in time... there is only so much one can do. Social workers I spoke to are like, well live for yourself, not for others. Find a girlfriend! But i look at my situation and I don't exactly see how I even have the luxury to live for myself. If anything, I don't know of any girl in Singapore that would even consider my position as potential boyfriend material. The truth is, I have been fighting by myself for the last 30 years without anyone to seek advise from. Friends? Let's just say, its different from television. Everyone has their own problem and their broken fingernail is more important. The best you can get out of anyone is pretty much, a listening ear on whatsapp and some "You can do it! You should come to church and donate for Jesus's blessing."
I don't blame anyone though and this really issn't a rant post. I appreciate everyone that has been in my life, whether good or bad (everything is a learning experience) but ultimately, there is only so much you can beat out of a dead horse. After considering all possible options, I truly believe that ending my life and letting the government take care of my family's needs might be the best logical choice. Alternatively, I can rob the bank and get myself caught intentionally so I can get some free re-skilling opportunities in jail. Maybe when I come out, I can become some story teller with a very dramatic bestseller book to fund my retirement. To be honest, I don't know what I am expecting from this post, but this is in a way my attempt at screaming for help. Whether I deserve help or how much help I truly deserve, I don't know. Counselors always tell stories where family of 4 struggle with a household income of $2k, and they live a very happy, satisfied life so I will be just fine if I try. But how true is this story really? The bright side is that maybe the hubby can have sex with his wife to destress, but I can't fuck anyone in my family to destress. Maybe the 2 kids will grow up and help to support the family, but my situation aren't even that. I honestly feel that, I have reached the end of the crossroad and this is the end of my bloodline. I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't go pub/club, I haven never even gone on overseas vacation, never took a plane before, I save whatever I can. I don't even go to cinemas. I'm not even fat, I eat a very cheap diet that puts me a little underweight but where did this effort ultimately took me? A boring person with an unattractive lifestyle that no Singaporean girls will want to date, and a aging family to take care of. Honestly, where is my future? I don't see any. To be honest, I may not have the budget to spurge on dates even if a girl want me. Singapore is just very plain straight forward. "Bo money ah? Die lor. I only got one life, you want? Come take it la."
Its a pretty long post, much longer than I expected and I thank you if you have read everything. In a way, I felt better after getting this out. If you are responding though, I have a question. If you were in my position, what would you have done? Would suicide really not be the most educated option?
PS: Pls don't suggest investing in cryptocurrencies. I deleted my bitcoin and doge wallet in 2010.
Big Edit: So there are alot of comments way more than I expected and I appreciate all support. I'm not really that responsible a person like some of you think. It is just that, I try to be a good samaritan and so I pick up the slack here and there, and somehow eventually things became so dependent on me that whose else is going to do it, if not me? I'm forced into where I am today not because I want to. I have actually very much considered disavowing my father and then migrating and abandoning everyone for the greater good. If Singapore was bigger, I would most certainly not hesitate to move to another city. Its just that my whole plan was pretty much, once I settled everything. I would kill myself so in a way that was the master plan. I rage quit my job because I knew I didn't need to put up with shit anymore if I am going to die soon. But things wouldn't settle, and it dragged so long to the point where one day I suddenly feel so lonely that I say, maybe I need to do something, walk out of this darkness and attempt to go back to society. But then I have no real plan for it, or maybe I have but I dunno if its a good plan, a bad plan or another disastrous mistake just waiting to happen.
There's alot of suggestions in here and I thank you very much. Its true that if I don't suicide, there can be many options out and some of these options involves ignoring the future ahead and then praying that things will work out eventually. That once I get a job, everything will be better. But the real problem here is, and what I can't solve in my head is which I will elaborate further is that instead of saving money every month, all the money goes into my Dad's nursing home and medical bills. Now my aunts don't make much, so its hard for them to chip in much when they also have their own medical issues. So the bulk falls on me but still we get by. Just that nobody saves any money at the end of each month, and pray that the existing savings don't get touched. Why? Because my aunt will need those money themselves when they grow older and retire. So this puts things in a very weird cycle, especially given how I have achieved nothing in life thus far. So I pay, we pay until my Dad dies and he dies a happy man, well cared for and everyone think I am such a good son. Then my aunts turn come and oh because I was so capable of handling things before, people's expectation would be that "oh, i'm sure he can do it again". So yup, let's do it again. Then eventually everyone dies, leaving me alone without any savings, career or well... let's not say family. I don't want to make this into a sobbing story of "I cannot find a girlfriend because I have no money!!". So well, what do I do? I assume I would be in my late 60s or early 70s by then and I don't expect my health to be 100% perfect so... I die to join everyone in the afterlife.
I feel very sad when I think it that way, but I need not be that sad because things haven't played out yet. That's what many are telling me. But I dunno how to ignore something that will eventually happen anyway. Thus, it is just a simple matter of whether I die now in my 30s or i die later in my 70s. Either way, I die as a failure. But its not "right" to tell say "Yes Gram, pls go and kill yourself. I fully support your decision." so they say, don't worry. Things will work out. But how will things work out? I ask them, they dunno. I ask myself, I dunno. So... what then? It seems like just delaying the inevitable to me.
If I disavow everyone, np. I just restart my life plain and simple, reach 35 buy my own house and throw a house warming party, impregnate my neighbour's daughter by mistake and I start my own family chapter. And I die in my 70s as a successful husband, good father and someone to be "proud" of. But do I need to start my own family? Not really. Do I need a girlfriend? Not really. Do I need sex? Not really. They are all luxury, not a necessity. So I choose to sacrifice myself, but then I feel suicidal and ya the cycle begins again. I'm not a dumb person and by no means have I not considered the possibilities. But what I have considered may not be big enough, since there are options that I am unaware of or misunderstood and that it aren't as bad as I painted it. Ok, I am open to explore it but if the advise is just "Get a job Gram, that's your first step and then start saving!". That is a pointless advice imo, no matter how reasonable it is because it just puts me back to square one. I am not trying to sound unappreciative btw, I am just frustrated at being looked upon like an idiot.
Edit 2: Based on the comments, I realized that from my friends' perspective, I am the dead weight so that might be why they aren't "helping", just act like things will resolve by itself. Well, I can afford to disavow these friends. Thanks for helping me to realize this!
Edit 3: Going through all the suggestions and private messages, I am suddenly feeling very overwhelmed by what needs to be done and what I should be doing. My head hurts really bad and I am starting to regret asking for help when I am not ready to be helped. It is all reminding me what I should have or should not done for a better life, and why I wanted to commit suicide in the first place. Now I remember why I concluded it was easier to simply restart a new life and make sure I do it correctly the next time. Sorry guys, I don't think I can do it anymore. I think things just got worse after asking for help.